Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The Next Best Thing: Tinder and Relationships

It occurs to me that, at a certain age, you are expected to get over your relationship hang ups, commitment phobias, and general post-Relationship-with-Satan trauma and settle down with someone again.

Like an adult.

Like, forever.

Or at the very least, vow to settle down with someone forever, while secretly keeping in mind that divorce is always an option if you can’t deal with their bullshit. Or if they can't deal with yours.

Honestly I think this is how most marriages happen.  It's supposed to be "I do" and it ends up being more like "meh - you'll do".  If you think I am being cynical, think about how many unhappily married people you know.

(This is how I felt about the subject for a very long time)

I look at couples who effortlessly dissolve into new relationships and marriages or combine families (step kids and all) and I envy them.   I also hold back the urge to warn them not to get too comfortable.   

But when you really think about it, it seems that the unlimited availability of new partners has given everyone unrealistic expectations about relationships.  I see more people around me now who absolutely refuse to define their relationships and I wonder why.  Is commitment to one person a thing of the past?

I recently engaged in  a "social experiment" during which I decided to create and use an online dating profile and go on some dates.

My first questions was, of course, "Where is a freshly minted Cougar to go for new dating adventures?"  Well, as luck would have it, I have a few friends who recommended a new dating app and let me tell you - I was super excited to try it.

If you have never been introduced to the cesspool dump of a human wasteland that is Tinder, allow me to acquaint you:

Within about 24 hours, I was starting to see a pattern of the types of guys who use Tinder.  I started to make mental notes but then quickly realized I would not have to continue to do so because these profile patterns just kept repeating themselves.  Allow me to introduce you to the types of guys you'll meet on Tinder, in no particular order:

1. "You Wanna See all The Animals I Kilt??" Guy:  This guy has a profile pic that is either a dead deer on a car hood, a pic of him holding a dead deer by the antlers, or a pic of him catching a fish.  He is always wearing a baseball cap (usually camouflage), sunglasses, and there is cheap beer in most of his photos. This guy will also be super into sports and if you connect with him, he will be the one who "likes to just chill at home" which is code for "I never got my license back after that last DUI".  He watches a lot of porn and thinks the "jackhammer" is the best sex move ever.  He is also the guy who thinks strippers want to date him.  Do not have sex with this guy unless you want to throw out your back and be unable to masturbate yourself to sleep for at least a week.

(Here ducky, ducky ducky!)

2. "Hipster" Guy:  This guy's profile picture is usually him staring off into space in what is supposed to look like really deep thought.  He has a full beard and wears skinny jeans.  He may be wearing a fedora. If you connect with him, he wants to go out to a hole in the wall place you've never heard of (but piques your interest as an adventurer).  He likes to drink craft beer and talk about his home brewing process while listening to a shitty band you've  never heard of, or live slam poetry.  If you are having really bad luck, he actually performs slam poetry.  He uses words like 'artisenal" and "free range" and doesn't believe you when you tell him they use pesticides on organic vegetables and then he gets all mad at YOU for telling him the truth like it's your fault he doesn't research the causes he is so passionate about before spouting off about them.


(Hey infinity scarf is gluten free)

3."Sportsy McSports" Guy:  This guy is wearing either his favorite team's jersey in every photo OR he may have a shirtless photo - in which he is wearing a team hat.  He really really wants to get laid, but his "dating" schedule revolves around whatever sporting events are happening that week.  Whatever you do, don't go to a sports bar with this guy unless you want to spend your evening watching him yell at the television while getting progressively more drunk as the night goes on.  Whether or not you have sex will depend on which team wins.  This guy has nothing to talk about other than sports and how big his dick is.  (SPOILER ALERT: His dick is not big). He likes getting blow jobs while watching sports but thinks going down on chicks is lame.  If you got to bed with him, he will get half-hard and yell at his dick for twenty minutes until you get legit scared and bail.

4. "Gym" Guy:  This guy's profile pic is shirtless.  Every photo looks like it has been photoshopped and you can't help but curse under your breath at the wonder his abdominal region beholds.  (You should pretty much just pop a Plan B before scrolling through the rest of his photos because he is sex on a stick).  This guy cares about the gym and heavy metal music and sex and - usually in that order.  Proceed with caution - especially if your vagina is not broken in.  Advanced users only!!  Good for awesome sex but not a conversationalist.  Get in, get out and keep his number for when you need another sesh.  Not boyfriend material.  You release him into the wild when you are done. Don't be a selfish whore.

5.  "Middle Aged Recently Divorced" Guy:  This guy is older (late-40s or older) and has no clue what he is doing on Tinder but he just finished paying child support on his 18 year old and used that money to buy a sports car.   He is hoping his mid-life-crisis car will lure in some hot "broads". He's been watching a lot of Entourage and is ready to roll hard.   His profile  states he is "not into game playing" which means he hooked up with a college student and she dumped him when she found a younger hotter guy who would pretend to listen to her talk about contouring and spray tans.  Middle aged guys are terrible at taking selfies so his photo is way too close and always a large full face shot, sometimes blurry and he never has any pics of his full body because he is self conscious about his pot belly. He is either not smiling (and looks like he was posing for a mug shot) or he is smiling too much (and looks like a sex offender at a kid's birthday party). He just got out of a long marriage so he is basically not used to taking care of himself and will be a little dependent.  If you like to take care of guys emotionally, this one is for you!  His house is a wreck because he is used to his wife picking up after him.  Caution: fixer-upper but he goes down.

(Fanny packs are still a thing, right?)

6. "I'm a Biker Who Digs My Bike" Guy:  This guy has a picture of his bike as his profile picture.  He may or not be on the bike  It doesn't matter. It's a biker thing - you wouldn't understand.  He is rough around the edges (that means, he looks like he hasn't bathed in about a week) he has tattoos on every area of exposed skin and his profile definitely references his graduation from the  "School of Hard Knocks".  He is looking for a "bitch" but is probably secretly submissive in bed and does things like sniff dirty socks while he masturbates.  He's got at least one photo where he is wearing a doo-rag and a leather vest.   He likes smoking cigarettes and talking about his bike.  He likes blowjobs and women who don't have an opinion.  He's probably decent in bed but smells bad.

7.  The "College Kid Looking for a Mommy" Guy:  This guy is attractive or hot, and has crazy good pick up lines.  He doesn't need any lube to slide into your DMs.  He wants to talk about dirty crazy sex stuff but has no idea what he is doing.  He has definitely jerked off to any of your photos that slow the slightest bit of cleavage.  He's all talk and no follow through.  Let him cut his teeth on girls his own age.  (Not ripe until at least age 23).

(Oh you kids..)

I was so exhausted after the process, which included screening dates, actually “dating” (whatever that happens to consist of on any given day – sometimes coffee, sometimes booze, drunk karaoke (dear GOD) dancing, and sometimes just sex), paying for a babysitter, trying to converse with someone who may or may not be (but most likely IS) telling me what I want to hear in order to see me naked, and trying to live with myself afterward.  It was starting to seem like it would be less emotionally costly to get over my commitment issues and be with someone who is not perfect but who may be perfect for me. 

So after this hit-or-miss experiment, I seemed to learn most of all that the hole in my heart couldn't be filled with new dick. At its best, it numbed me enough to deal with the emotional crises I was experiencing and let me feel good physically - with no emotional repercussions.  At worst, it put me in a few dangerous situations that could've ended up much worse.

I ended up deciding to toss aside the fuckboys and go with making an actual commitment to a real actual grown up relationship.

I mean, avoiding my feelings really isn't worth getting murdered on a date, is it?

Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Think I Need a Wife - A Journey into Femisogyny

Here we are - four years after my last blog post.  I am working an intensely busy job at a very high profile law firm, my oldest daughter has moved out (sniffle) and my son is 17 years old.  I am raising a tween.  Again.  As my youngest child is 10 years old and a girl.  I am so close to losing my mind I can taste it.  

I have found that the demands of my latest job allow my mind to work at the pace necessary to keep my anxiety in check. Constantly putting out fires makes my naturally worrisome mind weirdly feel at ease.  There is a certain comfort in fixing things; operating in emergency mode at all times.  All that being said: I still don't have a clue how to manage my life outside of work.  

Being a workaholic is great - but less acceptable if you are a female.  For some reason there can be a great deal of guilt when you are a woman who takes pride in working long hours and being indispensable at the office.  I feel like I almost have to apologetically do an amazing job.  When talking with my coworkers or chatting with others at networking events, I find myself holding back my enthusiasm because, if I don't, I am judged for being TOO involved in my work.  

After all, my primary function in life is raising my children and being a "Mom" (a title that is granted to someone regardless of her abilities to appropriately "mother" her offspring).  Don't get me wrong - I am a good mom, but it's not what I am BEST at.  And I feel like I need an anti-Pinterest venue where I can post my parenting failures without judgment.  It really is okay not to be a perfect mom.   

The thing I envy most about the males I work with is that they get to go home to someone who will probably have the laundry done, the house cleaned and dinner on the table (more often than not). And if they have a working wife, they generally can still count on her to have her shit together enough to have ordered something for dinner, straightened up the house and/or otherwise made plans for them to have a warm, slightly nutritious meal of some sort and maybe even dessert - at a table that is not covered in last week's bills.  Someone who has her shit at least 50% together.  

I envy that. To be honest (and sexist):  I think I need a wife.    

I would love nothing more than to go home to a well-oiled machine.  (Uh...that came out wrong).  I'd like to have someone there who has picked up the kids from school, made dinner, cleaned up, and made it a "home".  My dream would be to work hard all day long to burn off my intellectual and emotional energy (or at least that amount in excess of the amount tolerable by my spouse).......I would walk in the door to find a full glass of chardonnay and a half-empty couch.  I kick off my 6 inch heels and sit back and get a foot rub while sipping wine - the smells of dinner are already detectable in the background.  Italian food.  Inviting and warm.  My wife is so nurturing.  No wonder the guys at work seem so much more calm than I am.  THEY HAVE A WIFE.  My wife wants to make sure I eat healthy and delicious food.  Why Italian food?  Because she knows what I like because we've been together for so long now she doesn't even have to ask.   

She's not a "mind reader" (a phrase a lot of boyfriends and husbands use) but her intuition is amazing.  The effort is admirable.  I find myself wishing I could be as good to her as she is to me.  When I try to reciprocate, my efforts feel transparent and disingenuous.  (I wonder if this is how my ex-husband used to feel when he made fumbling efforts to reciprocate my nurturing and I have a split second of empathy.)

Back to the nurturing wife fantasy....

I am not hungry yet, I need to relieve the pressure of the day and relax and blow off some steam.   She leans in and rubs my neck and shoulders as I ask her to tell me about her day and I make every effort to listen carefully to her, while at the same time giving myself over to the relaxation.  I can feel myself unwind as I take a large sip of wine and exhale the stress away.  When she is done talking, I feel the need to use her mouth for other purposes and I push her head gently down to where I need it.  At that very moment, I want nothing more than a leisurely cunnilingus session, no reciprocation necessary.  

It feels good to be demanding and upfront about my desires without feeling guilty or apologetic. For some reason this seems to be easier to do with a woman than a man. Once she satisfies my desire,  I change into something more comfortable and we sit down to dinner together to talk about our days, the news, general gossip among our friends.  We stay away from hot button issues because now is the time for relaxation, not argument.  I compliment and thank her for cooking such an amazing meal and I clear the table and prepare to wash the dishes and/or load the dishwasher.  A hand is placed around my waist and a kiss on my neck as she slides into place next to me to help.  I shoo her away and she licks my nose. We work together to clean up after dinner.

After we complete the kitchen clean-up, we retire to the bedroom.  I press my face into the sheets and they smell so fresh and clean and feel soft.  It feels amazing to know she wants everything I touch to be fresh and clean and soft.  I tell her how much I appreciate the work she has done.  She beams with pride.  It's my turn to reciprocate in bed and I gladly do so for as long as it takes for her to be satisfied.  

We engage in more playtime followed by cuddling.  We continue to cuddle and stare at our phones and make fun of everyone who posts stupid things on Facebook.  She asks me to make up a bitchy story about a mutual friend, and I do.  She tells me I'm mean and I tell her she's adorable. We play-fight and that turns into an extended make out session, which was her plan all along.  (I told you she's adorable).

After we've exhausted one another, I can finally fall asleep guilt-free and rest my exhausted body and mind.  

When I wake up, coffee is brewing and there is plenty of hot water for a long, hot shower.  The laundry is done and i don't have to rifle through the laundry basket for my stockings.  I take my time in the bathroom because she doesn't have to get out the door as early as I do.  Since this is MY fantasy., I've decided she works part time in a shoe store - not because we need the money - but because it affords me the opportunity to get a significant discount on Louboutins and it allows her the opportunity to contribute to the household in a meaningful way.  

Apparently I am not only sexist but a full-blown femisogynist.   In my fantasy world, I have the perfect partner, who happens to be more submissive and nurturing........ and female (because men tend to be very dominant and more intimidating what with their man penises and all...).  

I hope you enjoyed this little venture into fantasy land.  

Please keep an eye out for my next blog which will be posted Wednesday!