tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43819976312210343872024-03-05T01:22:37.414-08:00My Latte Brings All the Boys to the YardMy Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-22709465014812423912017-03-08T19:51:00.000-08:002017-03-08T19:56:54.242-08:00The Next Best Thing: Tinder and Relationships<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It occurs to me that, at a certain age, you are expected to get over your
relationship hang ups, commitment phobias, and general post-Relationship-with-Satan
trauma and settle down with someone again. <br />
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Like an adult.<br />
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Like, forever.<br />
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Or at the very least, <b><u>vow</u></b> to settle down with someone forever, while secretly
keeping in mind that divorce is always an option if you can’t deal with their
bullshit. Or if they can't deal with yours.<br />
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Honestly I think this is how most marriages happen. It's supposed to be "I do" and it ends up being more like "meh - you'll do". If you think I am being cynical, think about how many unhappily married people you know.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<i><b>(This is how I felt about the subject for a very long time)</b></i></div>
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I look at couples who effortlessly dissolve into new
relationships and marriages or combine families (step kids and all) and I envy
them. I also hold back the urge to warn them not to get too comfortable. <o:p></o:p><br />
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But when you really think about it, it seems that the unlimited availability of new partners has given everyone unrealistic expectations about relationships. I see more people around me now who absolutely refuse to define their relationships and I wonder why. Is commitment to one person a thing of the past?</div>
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<o:p></o:p><br />
I recently engaged in a "social experiment" during which I decided to create and use an online dating profile and go on some dates.<br />
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My first questions was, of course, "Where is a freshly minted Cougar to go for new dating adventures?" Well, as luck would have it, I have a few friends who recommended a new dating app and let me tell you - I was <b>super</b> excited to try it.<br />
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If you have never been introduced to the cesspool dump of a human
wasteland that is Tinder, allow me to acquaint you:<br />
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Within about 24 hours, I was starting to see a pattern of the types of guys who use Tinder. I started to make mental notes but then quickly realized I would not have to continue to do so because these profile patterns just kept repeating themselves. Allow me to introduce you to the types of guys you'll meet on Tinder, in no particular order:<br />
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1. <b><u>"You Wanna See all The Animals I Kilt??" Guy</u></b>: This guy has a profile pic that is either a dead deer on a car hood, a pic of him holding a dead deer by the antlers, or a pic of him catching a fish. He is always wearing a baseball cap (usually camouflage), sunglasses, and there is cheap beer in most of his photos. This guy will also be super into sports and if you connect with him, he will be the one who "likes to just chill at home" which is code for "I never got my license back after that last DUI". He watches a lot of porn and thinks the "jackhammer" is the best sex move ever. He is also the guy who thinks strippers want to date him. Do not have sex with this guy unless you want to throw out your back and be unable to masturbate yourself to sleep for at least a week. <br />
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<b><i>(Here ducky, ducky ducky!)</i></b></div>
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2. <b><u>"Hipster" Guy</u></b>: This guy's profile picture is usually him staring off into space in what is supposed to look like really deep thought. He has a full beard and wears skinny jeans. He may be wearing a fedora. If you connect with him, he wants to go out to a hole in the wall place you've never heard of (but piques your interest as an adventurer). He likes to drink craft beer and talk about his home brewing process while listening to a shitty band you've never heard of, or live slam poetry. If you are having really bad luck, he actually <u>performs </u>slam poetry. He uses words like 'artisenal" and "free range" and doesn't believe you when you tell him they use pesticides on organic vegetables and then he gets all mad at YOU for telling him the truth like it's your fault he doesn't research the causes he is so passionate about before spouting off about them. <br />
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Hypothetically. <br />
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<b><i>(Hey girl.......my infinity scarf is gluten free)</i></b></div>
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3.<b><u>"Sportsy McSports" Guy</u></b>: This guy is wearing either his favorite team's jersey in every photo OR he may have a shirtless photo - in which he is wearing a team hat. He really really wants to get laid, but his "dating" schedule revolves around whatever sporting events are happening that week. Whatever you do, don't go to a sports bar with this guy unless you want to spend your evening watching him yell at the television while getting progressively more drunk as the night goes on. Whether or not you have sex will depend on which team wins. This guy has nothing to talk about other than sports and how big his dick is. (SPOILER ALERT: His dick is not big). He likes getting blow jobs while watching sports but thinks going down on chicks is lame. If you got to bed with him, he will get half-hard and yell at his dick for twenty minutes until you get legit scared and bail.<br />
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4. <b><u>"Gym" Guy:</u> </b>This guy's profile pic is shirtless. Every photo looks like it has been photoshopped and you can't help but curse under your breath at the wonder his abdominal region beholds. (You should pretty much just pop a Plan B before scrolling through the rest of his photos because he is sex on a stick). This guy cares about the gym and heavy metal music and sex and - usually in that order. Proceed with caution - especially if your vagina is not broken in. Advanced users only!! Good for awesome sex but not a conversationalist. Get in, get out and keep his number for when you need another sesh. Not boyfriend material. You release him into the wild when you are done. Don't be a selfish whore.<br />
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5. <b><u>"Middle Aged Recently Divorced" Guy</u></b>: This guy is older (late-40s or older) and has no clue what he is doing on Tinder but he just finished paying child support on his 18 year old and used that money to buy a sports car. He is hoping his mid-life-crisis car will lure in some hot "broads". He's been watching a lot of Entourage and is ready to roll hard. His profile states he is "not into game playing" which means he hooked up with a college student and she dumped him when she found a younger hotter guy who would pretend to listen to her talk about contouring and spray tans. Middle aged guys are terrible at taking selfies so his photo is way too close and always a large full face shot, sometimes blurry and he never has any pics of his full body because he is self conscious about his pot belly. He is either not smiling (and looks like he was posing for a mug shot) or he is smiling too much (and looks like a sex offender at a kid's birthday party). He just got out of a long marriage so he is basically not used to taking care of himself and will be a little dependent. If you like to take care of guys emotionally, this one is for you! His house is a wreck because he is used to his wife picking up after him. Caution: fixer-upper but he goes down. <br />
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<i><b>(Fanny packs are still a thing, right?)</b></i></div>
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6. "<b><u>I'm a Biker Who Digs My Bike" Guy</u></b>: This guy has a picture of his bike as his profile picture. He may or not be on the bike It doesn't matter. It's a biker thing - you wouldn't understand. He is rough around the edges (that means, he looks like he hasn't bathed in about a week) he has tattoos on every area of exposed skin and his profile definitely references his graduation from the "School of Hard Knocks". He is looking for a "bitch" but is probably secretly submissive in bed and does things like sniff dirty socks while he masturbates. He's got at least one photo where he is wearing a doo-rag and a leather vest. He likes smoking cigarettes and talking about his bike. He likes blowjobs and women who don't have an opinion. He's probably decent in bed but smells bad.<br />
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<b>7. <u>The "College Kid Looking for a Mommy" Guy:</u></b> This guy is attractive or hot, and has crazy good pick up lines. He doesn't need any lube to slide into your DMs. He wants to talk about dirty crazy sex stuff but has no idea what he is doing. He has definitely jerked off to any of your photos that slow the slightest bit of cleavage. He's all talk and no follow through. Let him cut his teeth on girls his own age. (Not ripe until at least age 23).</div>
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<i><b>(Oh you kids..)</b></i></div>
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I was so exhausted after the process, which included screening dates, actually “dating”
(whatever that happens to consist of on any given day – sometimes coffee,
sometimes booze, drunk karaoke (dear GOD) dancing, and sometimes just sex), paying for a
babysitter, trying to converse with someone who may or may not be (but most likely IS) telling
me what I want to hear in order to see me naked, and trying to live with myself
afterward. It was starting to seem like it would be less emotionally costly to get over
my commitment issues and be with someone who is not perfect but who may be
perfect for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So after this hit-or-miss experiment, I seemed to learn most of all that the hole in my heart couldn't be filled with new dick. At its best, it numbed me enough to deal with the emotional crises I was experiencing and let me feel good physically - with no emotional repercussions. At worst, it put me in a few dangerous situations that could've ended up much worse. <br />
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I ended up deciding to toss aside the fuckboys and go with making an actual commitment to a real actual grown up relationship.<br />
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I mean, avoiding my feelings really isn't worth getting murdered on a date, is it?<br />
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-32841187584631041312017-03-05T15:42:00.000-08:002017-03-05T15:44:55.636-08:00I Think I Need a Wife - A Journey into Femisogyny<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Here we are - four years after my last blog post. I am working an intensely busy job at a very high profile law firm, my oldest daughter has moved out (sniffle) and my son is 17 years old. I am raising a tween. Again. As my youngest child is 10 years old and a girl. I am so close to losing my mind I can taste it. <br />
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I have found that the demands of my latest job allow my mind to work at the pace necessary to keep my anxiety in check. Constantly putting out fires makes my naturally worrisome mind weirdly feel at ease. There is a certain comfort in fixing things; operating in emergency mode at all times. All that being said: I still don't have a clue how to manage my life outside of work. </div>
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Being a workaholic is great - but less acceptable if you are a female. For some reason there can be a great deal of guilt when you are a woman who takes pride in working long hours and being indispensable at the office. I feel like I almost have to <i>apologetically </i>do an amazing job. When talking with my coworkers or chatting with others at networking events, I find myself holding back my enthusiasm because, if I don't, I am judged for being TOO involved in my work. </div>
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After all, my primary function in life is raising my children and being a "Mom" (a title that is granted to someone regardless of her abilities to appropriately "mother" her offspring). Don't get me wrong - I am a good mom, but it's not what I am BEST at. And I feel like I need an anti-Pinterest venue where I can post my parenting failures without judgment. It really is okay not to be a perfect mom. </div>
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The thing I envy most about the males I work with is that they get to go home to someone who will probably have the laundry done, the house cleaned and dinner on the table (more often than not). And if they have a working wife, they generally can still count on her to have her shit together enough to have ordered something for dinner, straightened up the house and/or otherwise made plans for them to have a warm, slightly nutritious meal of some sort and maybe even dessert - at a table that is not covered in last week's bills. Someone who has her shit at least 50% together. </div>
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I envy that. To be honest (and sexist): I think I need a wife. </div>
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I would love nothing more than to go home to a well-oiled machine. (Uh...that came out wrong). I'd like to have someone there who has picked up the kids from school, made dinner, cleaned up, and made it a "home". My dream would be to work hard all day long to burn off my intellectual and emotional energy (or at least that amount in excess of the amount tolerable by my spouse).......I would walk in the door to find a full glass of chardonnay and a half-empty couch. I kick off my 6 inch heels and sit back and get a foot rub while sipping wine - the smells of dinner are already detectable in the background. Italian food. Inviting and warm. My wife is so nurturing. No wonder the guys at work seem so much more calm than I am. THEY HAVE A WIFE. My wife wants to make sure I eat healthy and delicious food. Why Italian food? Because she knows what I like because we've been together for so long now she doesn't even have to ask. </div>
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She's not a "mind reader" (a phrase a lot of boyfriends and husbands use) but her intuition is amazing. The effort is admirable. I find myself wishing I could be as good to her as she is to me. When I try to reciprocate, my efforts feel transparent and disingenuous. (I wonder if this is how my ex-husband used to feel when he made fumbling efforts to reciprocate my nurturing and I have a split second of empathy.)</div>
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Back to the nurturing wife fantasy....</div>
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<div>
I am not hungry yet, I need to relieve the pressure of the day and relax and blow off some steam. She leans in and rubs my neck and shoulders as I ask her to tell me about her day and I make every effort to listen carefully to her, while at the same time giving myself over to the relaxation. I can feel myself unwind as I take a large sip of wine and exhale the stress away. When she is done talking, I feel the need to use her mouth for other purposes and I push her head gently down to where I need it. At that very moment, I want nothing more than a leisurely cunnilingus session, no reciprocation necessary. </div>
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It feels good to be demanding and upfront about my desires without feeling guilty or apologetic. For some reason this seems to be easier to do with a woman than a man. Once she satisfies my desire, I change into something more comfortable and we sit down to dinner together to talk about our days, the news, general gossip among our friends. We stay away from hot button issues because now is the time for relaxation, not argument. I compliment and thank her for cooking such an amazing meal and I clear the table and prepare to wash the dishes and/or load the dishwasher. A hand is placed around my waist and a kiss on my neck as she slides into place next to me to help. I shoo her away and she licks my nose. We work together to clean up after dinner.</div>
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After we complete the kitchen clean-up, we retire to the bedroom. I press my face into the sheets and they smell so fresh and clean and feel soft. It feels amazing to know she wants everything I touch to be fresh and clean and soft. I tell her how much I appreciate the work she has done. She beams with pride. It's my turn to reciprocate in bed and I gladly do so for as long as it takes for her to be satisfied. </div>
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<div>
We engage in more playtime followed by cuddling. We continue to cuddle and stare at our phones and make fun of everyone who posts stupid things on Facebook. She asks me to make up a bitchy story about a mutual friend, and I do. She tells me I'm mean and I tell her she's adorable. We play-fight and that turns into an extended make out session, which was her plan all along. (I told you she's adorable).</div>
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After we've exhausted one another, I can finally fall asleep guilt-free and rest my exhausted body and mind. </div>
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When I wake up, coffee is brewing and there is plenty of hot water for a long, hot shower. The laundry is done and i don't have to rifle through the laundry basket for my stockings. I take my time in the bathroom because she doesn't have to get out the door as early as I do. Since this is MY fantasy., I've decided she works part time in a shoe store - not because we need the money - but because it affords me the opportunity to get a significant discount on Louboutins and it allows her the opportunity to contribute to the household in a meaningful way. </div>
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Apparently I am not only sexist but a full-blown femisogynist. In my fantasy world, I have the perfect partner, who happens to be more submissive and nurturing........ and female (because men tend to be very dominant and more intimidating what with their man penises and all...). </div>
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I hope you enjoyed this little venture into fantasy land. </div>
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Please keep an eye out for my next blog which will be posted Wednesday!</div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-10811564883641622652013-06-09T18:39:00.000-07:002013-06-09T18:39:31.043-07:00A Day at the Sand Dunes: Holy Shit I Can't Move<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, I had the <u>awesome</u> opportunity to go on a field
trip with my 13 year old son on Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
been excited about it for weeks. I mean, way more excited than I should be for
a 39 year old mother of three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could</i> say I don’t get out much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(But you won’t, because you’re not an
asshole.)<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son, of course, is WAY too cool for field trips and asked
me if he could skip the whole thing and just stay home and play X-Box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said “Hell no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are going to the mother fricking SAND
DUNES, mutha fucka!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I didn’t say the ‘mutha
fucka’ part out loud but it was implied).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you kidding me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Miss out on the fun, sun and a day off work
to goof off and act like a kid?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are
SO going.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">He actually seemed somewhat excited for me to go with him
once I convinced him it was going to be the most awesome thing in the entire
history of ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was happy we would
get to spend a day together doing something fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t do that as much as we should because
I get busy with his sisters and he is in the middle of that awkward male
adolescent thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I either say the right
thing to him or the exact wrong thing and it’s a bit touch and go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(But, that is the subject of another blog.)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Where was I?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Oh yeah…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dunes Day
arrived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">*cue dramatic music*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I won’t lie:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
pretty excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, a day off work
-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a day off that does not involve any of the following:</span></span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"> A child vomiting </span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me vomiting</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me moving boxes into a new home</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me cleaning - ANYTHING</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yard work</span></span></div>
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</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">In other words - a day AWAY FROM EVERYTHING?!?!? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Fuck yeah. Just what I needed.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We were set to go to the State park and Sand Dunes about an
hour from our house, along Lake Michigan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have to be honest and say that, although I did take a look at the
website to see what the dunes and the vehicles looked like and the history and
all that stuff, I didn’t exactly think about what was going to happen once we
got there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just KNEW it was going to be FUN.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I packed up lunches, an umbrella, sunscreen, ponchos (we had
a chance of rain), Gatorade and any and every other damn thing we may
need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did manage to leave the kitchen
sink at home… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We arrived at the school and joined the other students in
the classroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The FIRST thing I noticed
when I got to the classroom that there were four “dad” chaperones there and
zero moms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was the only mom there .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the dads who were there ranged from
Extreme Sports Guy to Hipster Dad, to Gym Rat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For the most part, they looked like they were ready for adventure and in
pretty good shape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I getting
myself into?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;">Uh, I may be exaggerating, but whatevs... It's MY blog..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">After doing the role call
and an explanation of the rules, bus assignments, etc, a mom or two showed up
and I breathed a little sigh of relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I was not going to be destroyed or out-muscled. Hear me roar. Yeah...</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We went to the gymnasium for head count and to put our lunches in
the travel box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I handed my son our
lunches and said “Here you go, honey”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
didn’t take them from me, so I looked up and realized he looked somewhat
mortified (only completely) and so I had to make it better by saying “Oh, I’m
sorry, I’m not supposed to call you that in front of your friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry, honey!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Damn, I did it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom, stop
talking..”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This was starting out great! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I sipped on my coffee and eyed the kids and other
chaperones, mentally noting which of them will warrant honorable mention as
characters in my book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
making inappropriate jokes and dropped my first “f” bomb before 9:00 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately, my son was the only one who
heard it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">[Note to self:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
say ‘fuck’ in front of the teenagers.]<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We loaded up on the bus and spent the majority of the ride
telling jokes and listening to three of his friends in the seat in front of us
singing One Direction or some crap like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I popped my head in and requested some Taylor
Swift, which was met with blank stares and my son’s elbow in my ribs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*sigh*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We got to the Dunes and I took a look at the vehicles we
were supposed to ride in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are four
–five rows deep with huge tires on them - <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>basically Monster <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jeeps with extra rows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started to get a little nervous seeing how
tough they were built.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean,
obviously, we were going to hit some serious hills and sand and who knows
what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How fast will we be going?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmm… Probably not THAT fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, it’s a field trip for kids,
right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Psh, big whoop.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Exhibit A: Vehicle of Death</span></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I went into the gift shop and bought a little bag to throw
over my shoulder and keep my phone and wallet in (not a place you want to bring
your purse) and I got some sunglasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> This was gonna be sooooooooooooo easy. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then we loaded up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids piled in four to a row and, as I climbed up into the
Vehicle of Death, I heard “We need a chaperone in the back here!” and I was
starting to buckle in as the kids all turned to look at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said “Oh, that’s me, isn’t it??”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*raises hand*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Uh, I’m the chaperone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I go
in the back seat?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Evil Driver
(you will find out why later) said wryly, “Yes, that would be ideal."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, I got into the back row with three of my son’s friends
and they made a HUGE deal of yelling up to the front to tell everyone they were
with D’s MOM!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t see why that was so funny.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, Evil Driver starts up the engine and revs it up a
bit, giving us some instruction about not grabbing tree branches on the way
through when we get to the wooded part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He says something about how he’s only flipped one of these things one
time and not to worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay Funny
Boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You. Are. Hilarious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he bolts out of the drive and I
immediately feel like I am going to throw up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or pass out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Holy shit is he
going to drive really fast on these things? Oh, damn I said shit, I’m
sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids: “Haha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>D, your
MOM just cussed!!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Other kids: “Is this your first time on the dunes?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me: (gulp) “Yes”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh man, are
you gonna puke?”</span></span></div>
<div style="mso-special-character: line-break;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--></span></span> </div>
<div style="mso-special-character: line-break;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span> <span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will try to puke behind me okay?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I may pee my pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I may have already peed a little
bit.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“D!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your MOM is back here wetting her pants!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hahaha!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“MOM!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me: “Sorry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t
really think this through. …”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*slams
gas pedal and takes the first sharp turn*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Sonovabitch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry! Oh god.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Squeal!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>EEK!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(giggles hysterically)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sorry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(squeak!!!)”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*laughing their
asses off*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“MOM!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">His friend:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Put your
hands in the air!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s awesome!!”</span></span></div>
<div style="mso-special-character: line-break;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“NO!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am NOT letting go of this bar!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*squeals hysterically*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver takes us up, down, around the dunes,
tossing us around like crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son’s
friend who is sitting next to me decides it would be a FINE idea to try to slam
into me every time the jeep turns the opposite way, so I return the favor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I am too old for this shit, however, my
brain does not process that information yet as I am in severe competition with
my son’s friend to see who can knock whom from the jeep first - As every
perfect chaperone should do on a field trip. Duh. Safety first...)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We stop at our first scenic spot and get out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My legs are wobbly and I am nervously
laughing as the kids go running around and up and down the sand dunes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder to myself if we are even halfway done
yet. I talk myself out of hyperventilating.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">After about 20 minutes of watching the kids roll down hills
and run back up, we get back into the Jeep and I slide under the seatbelt and
my son’s friend says “You’re supposed to hook that rope thing next to you so we
don’t fall out.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me: “Damn, really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn’t even see that last time.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">His friend:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Haha,
yeah you were supposed to do that before we left.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oops.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the BEST chaperone ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait, what hook thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t find it..”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I fumble around and look over the edge of the jeep, trying
to find the rope that goes in the hook thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How did I not see this before?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am pretty sure Evil Driver didn’t tell me I was supposed to do this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, he did and I was too busy focusing on not
throwing up to remember to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep
looking for the rope and then Evil Driver comes up, reaches over and hands
it to me, giving me the eyeball.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Uh, hehehe,
thanks? “<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*pats my
shoulder*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You’re doing a FINE job.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh, I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m, like the BEST chaperone ever!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Yes, yes you are!" </span>*shakes his head
and chuckles*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We take off again and I squeal at the top of my lungs as we
slowly climb to the top of a very tall hill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Evil Driver
stops at the top and tells us we are required to put our hands in the air due
to the steep nature of the drop and I shake my head and grip the bar tighter
and squeeze my eyes shut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Yes, I am a
bad ass).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then…we <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>plummet to the bottom, taking an immediate
turn and then slowly entering the wooded area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Finally! We get to enjoy the quiet nature that surrounds us...</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As we are slowly driving into the
beautiful wooded area and looking at the trees and I personally am enjoying
being able to take a breath, Evil Driver decides to stop under a huge tree
and say out of the blue “Oh look!” and points at something hanging from the
branches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we all look up and
ONE of us SCREAMS at the top of her lungs “OHMYGODASNAKE!!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">And then all the kids LAUGH hysterically.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The “snake” is a tree branch that has wound around another
branch with a part that dangles down and looks exactly like a snake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Hilarious, dude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Really.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Does anyone have
a diaper?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids: “Ha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>D! Your
MOM needs a diaper!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> *shakes his head and slides down in his seat*</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>*laughs*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me: *grumbles*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We jostle and hurtle the rest of the way back to the point
of origin and when we slowly pull into where we started the whole thing, my son notices the sign above
the parking area that says:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">“If you are pregnant, have a heart condition, or back
problems, please be sure to sit in the front seat.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“MOM!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were supposed to sit in the front
seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What about your back??”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Chillax bro, I
am totally fine, plus they needed a chaperone to sit in back with your crazy
friends to keep an eye on them. SOMEBODY had to be the responsible one.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My son:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*sigh*<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evil Driver gives us the requisite thank you for riding
speech, ending with “If you’ve had fun today, my name is Ian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, if not, my name is Dave.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Thanks, Dave!”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kids:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Haha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah – thanks DAVE!”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Evil Driver: "Hey!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We are just KIDDING. Can we go
again??”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Everyone looks at me like I’m crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Weirdos.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Basically, I had an awesome time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, who doesn’t enjoy being scared half
to death?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a rush..<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">After we were done
with the dune rides, we took the bus over to the State park and had lunch and
walked down to the beach of Lake Michigan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">In order to get to the beach, we had to take several sets of
wooden steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Approximately 1200 I would
say, give or take a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We spent about
a half hour playing in the sand and enjoying the view and then…………..had to
climb all the way back up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, 1200
steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really thought I might die for
a few minutes there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My legs were
burning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And judging from the looks on a
few of the other parents’ faces, I was NOT the only one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><o:p>Those specks at the top are the rest of our group...</o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I knew the day sort of took it out of me, but I had no idea
just how much it took out of me until Saturday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up and stretched in my bed and my
muscles, from head to toe, felt like a rubber band getting ready to snap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh. My. Gawd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I used to play a lot of sports in high school so I remember
the pain of starting to train for, say, basketball in the Fall after a summer
of not training.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Particularly, the pain
in the back of the calves from when our coach would make us run up and down the
bleachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone remember that
pain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THAT is the pain I woke up with
Saturday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">NOTHING is sexier than a woman waddling into the kitchen in
the morning to make coffee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean,
nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My teenagers laughed at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For about ten minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until they
realized I was going to have to make them my bitches for a day since I could
BARELY move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That will teach them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I can move a little more today, but I know it’s going to be
a few days before my body doesn’t hate me anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">And, you know what? It was TOTALLY worth it. </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I can’t wait until next year’s field trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think we’re going to Chicago!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Bring it.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
</div>
My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-13525008769149740922013-04-15T08:13:00.001-07:002017-03-05T10:27:04.517-08:00Waving the White Flag: A/K/A Getting Your Ass Kicked by a Six Year Old<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can't be the only <a href="http://mylattebringstheboys.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-things-they-dont-tell-you-about.html?zx=b872861b4ea97940" target="_blank">single mother</a> who has bad days<a href="http://./">.</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, <u>heinously</u> bad days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Days where you want to sell the child to the
gypsies and spend the money on a trip to Hawaii.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Shit, did I just say that?)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know there are a number of factors at play here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I am going to guess there was a full
moon over the weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there wasn't,
just keep that to yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's MY
story and I'm going with full moon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Friday night I was buried in boxes, packing things up and
getting ready for the move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which means
my house looked like it had been vandalized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of course, this activity did <u>not</u> jive with the six year old's planned
evening of cartoon and cuddle time, which I kept putting off for just
"five more minutes" or just "one more box, honey" because I
was running on borrowed energy, having been up since 5:30 a.m. and already
worked a full day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wanted to get
things done, ready for the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was chaos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I did finally stop and
take her to bed for cuddle time, she passed out about two seconds before I
did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn't do the regular reading
time before bed or any of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We just
crashed and burned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Way to bond with the
kid, Mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good job.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was also dealing with a 13 year old boy who was completely
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">losing</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">his</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">mind</b> over the fact
he had a band ensemble performance the next morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His first one and he was freaking the hell
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when he is stressed about
something, it is as if he is the only person in the history of ever who has had
so much stress and it is the most important thing in the entire universe and
requires immediate attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*Barges in while I am
putting his sister to bed*</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Mom, did you iron my clothes, I have to look nice for
the performance tomorrow" </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(yawning) "Honey, hang them up in my room. I set my
alarm and I will get up early and iron them for you."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Okay, what time are you planning to get up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to get there early for warm up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to warm up before we play."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your sister
has done these things about a half dozen times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's not my first ride in the rodeo."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"We need to leave at 9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have to be there about an hour before we play."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(No he doesn't)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"We will get there in plenty of time, I promise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now get a shower and go to bed so you are
rested in the morning." (So mom can get some damn sleep)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Geezus)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile, my teenage daughter was busily texting her
boyfriend, who just graduated from school that afternoon and is moving about a
half hour away and they are both very melancholy about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I attempted to make conversation with her about
that before I went to bed, but honestly, she probably got the short end of the
stick that night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to sympathize
with her because I know when you are a teenager and your boyfriend leaves it is
the most horrible thing ever, but I was exhausted to the point of not making
any sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I may have patted her
shoulder (it may have been the cat, I really have no idea) and said "It'll
be fine, honey, I promise" and then walked into a wall on my way back to
bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am only
one person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You each have different
needs and I am failing miserably at meeting any of them, much less all of them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one of
THOSE weekends.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn't sleep very well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I woke up often during the night. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happens sometimes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, Saturday morning I continued the pattern, waking up at 4:00am,
then 5:00am, then 5:20am and then 6:00am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And finally, my alarm went off at 7:00a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was almost glad it finally went off so I
had a reason to get out of that good for nothing asshole bed of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body, however, wasn't done sleeping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was going to be a long ass day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I showered, got the boy up, ironed his clothes, put on
something presentable and then woke up the teenager to let her know where her
sister's dance clothes were because her father was going to pick her up for
ballet class in about an hour (since they haven't perfected cloning technology
and her dance class is at the same time as her brother's band performance, an hour away).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I threw some coffee in the general direction
of my face and headed out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Got though the performance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He did well but they only got a 2nd division rating instead of 1st division
so he was ticked off the whole way home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"We should've gotten a 1st Division rating."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I told Mr. P I didn't want to do this anyway." </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Why did he sign me up for this?" </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There, there, son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There, there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Came home and moved some truckloads of crap to storage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hoping some of it would blow out of the car
on my way there so I didn't have to unload it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sent the 6 year old and the 13 year old off to their
friends' houses for the evening for sleepovers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spent the evening relaxing with the eldest teenager and
watching movies and bonding and stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That was the highlight of my weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was all downhill from there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sunday, I did NOT wake up until 11:00 a.m. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I woke up briefly at 8:00 a.m., took
some pain relief medication for my screaming back, and collapsed back into
bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THEN, I woke up suddenly and looked
at the clock and it said ELEVEN. OH. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FIVE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And the reason I woke up then was because my daughter had called to tell
me she was getting dropped off soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You'd think I would be well rested and ready to take on the
day, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not even close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The 6 year old came home with an ATTITUDE from HELL. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Precipitated by the fact that her friend had
the nerve to go to her cousin's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese and not invite
my child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took me a half hour to
explain to my daughter why she couldn't crash another kid's party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was NOT having any of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Why did the other child have to rub it in her face that she
was going to Chuck E Cheese?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not
just tell my kid Santa is going to skip our house this year?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks, kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>PS:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paybacks are a BITCH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, I just tough-talked a 6 year old in my
head.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My darling angel then spent the entire day jumping up and
down on my last nerve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually, my
nerves were shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was jumping up and
down on my nerve ending.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She didn't want to eat anything I offered her. She didn't
want to do any of the activities I suggested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She certainly didn't want to help with anything or put any of her shit
away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She DID want to have a tantrum
about how I packed up her very favorite doll (that she has not touched in six
months) and demand that I take her down to retrieve it from storage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Excuse me???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE. Don't cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don't throw a tantrum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don't
throw things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*talking to myself here,
not my 6 year old*)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My oldest daughter was busy doing homework all day long and
I picked up my son around 2:00 p.m. from his friend's house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He spent some time on the computer with his
headphones on and she was attempting to focus on her homework while both
attempted to stay out of the line of fire. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can tell when Mom is about to lose her
shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The youngest does not seem to
notice when the vein in my forehead starts throbbing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, when she DOES see it, she is the one who
will walk right up to me and push it with her finger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Repeatedly.</div>
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We got a brief reprieve from little hell on wheels for
awhile when she went outside to play with the neighbor kid, but then he ticked
her off and she came home crying because 7 year old boys are stupid.</div>
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FML</div>
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I managed to get one more truckload moved yesterday
afternoon with my son's help and then took the six year old with me grocery shopping, thinking
maybe the one-on-one time would mellow her out and she was almost acting normal
until we got back home again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rest
of the night was a continuation of the power struggle:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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"I don't want to eat that."</div>
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"Can I have some candy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why NOT??"</div>
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"Why do I have to get a shower?"</div>
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"Help me put on my pajamas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can't doooooooooo ittttttttt
myyyyyyselfffffff!"</div>
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"Why do I have to brush my teeth??"</div>
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"Can I sleep in your bed?"</div>
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"Why not?"</div>
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"I can't stop thinking about ghosts and scary stuff and
if I don't sleep in your bed I might have a bad dream!!"</div>
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*Cries because life isn't fair and she is six and has to
sleep in a warm bed provided for her by her mother who is about two bad moments
from hitting the road with only the clothes on her back*</div>
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I walk out into the living room, t-shirt askew, hair a mess,
wild-eyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The teenagers are tentatively
looking up from what they are doing to see if they should say anything or if
they should wait for the throbbing vein in my temple to return to normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I clean up the kitchen, go to my room, set my alarm and pull
the blankets as far over my head as they will go.</div>
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Except for the little white flag sticking out the top.</div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-79588907773942266252013-03-29T10:53:00.000-07:002013-03-30T05:08:02.289-07:00And This, My Friends, Is How You Get a Massage<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">So, I've had this pain thing that's been going on for awhile due to an injury I got awhile ago, blah blah blah (not important to this story) and it flares up sometimes and then aggravates my other body parts and they start being whiny little bitches and then it totally throws my whole walk-y talk-y rhythym off for the entire day/week/month and makes me all killy and stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take pretty good drugs for it, but sometimes they don't work enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because my body is kind of an asshole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe it wants more drugs...... but I have to be able to function.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poor me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">Well, my preggers girlfriend is going to this massage place a few times a month for prenatal massage and she gave me a referral card for a discount on a massage and I just kinda set it aside and thought about it for awhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I spend the money, or shouldn't I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, it's a great deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I totally DESERVE it, don't I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>PLUS, she gets a discounted massage AFTER I turn in my card so I am basically ripping her off if I don't use it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am nothing if not a giver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am not cooking a human or anything like that, but girl gotta get some hands on the body action going on, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, there is something awesome about getting totally naked and paying someone to slather on some oil and touch you every damn place EXCEPT for your naughty bits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, their JOB is to make you relaxed and they aren't even allowed to get a boner or anything. It's against the rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Also impossible if the person is a chick, but I digress).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's like prostitution, only it not as fun, it's legal, and they have to pay taxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">So, here's the sitch:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided to do the deed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, this is NOT the first professional massage I've ever had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to get massage therapy on a regular basis, but it's been awhile since my last one and I have a blog now and it's hard not to write about every damn thing that happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Especially when it's in the dark.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">With a guy.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">And he's not allowed to get a boner.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">So, I got there late, after hitting every damn light on the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was about three minutes late and I hate being late to anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Yet, I manage to be late for more things than not lately.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure I breezed in looking pretty amazing, with my hair flying everywhere, the remnants of the curses I just spewed all down the last mile of the road on my lips and the general tension and stress and anxiety I carry with me on a daily basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pretty much hot, sexy and ready to go, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He greeted me all smiley and stuff, but I decided to let that go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looked slightly terrified but handed me the clipboard and I scribbled out my information the best I could and <s>threw it</s> handed it back to him and smiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">He led me back to the massage room and - holy gods I love massage rooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one was giant and it smelled like that menthol-y type relaxing lotion/oil stuff and there was yoga zen budda music playing and it almost immediately made me relax a little bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He turned to say something and I think he caught me telling myself "You are in your safe place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is your safe place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ommmmmm....<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was listening." and he wiped the uncertain look off his face, told me where to put my purse and my clothes (most of my dates don't give such concise instructions.) and then directed me to lay face down with my face over the hole (he said it better than that..) and he would check back in a few minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">I got undressed in record time, went to turn my phone off and laid on the table, face down, and took a DEEP, CLEANSING breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then heard my phone restart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You asshole phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned from my LAST massage, when my SON called me about a half hour into it for no reason, that you DO NOT leave your phone on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, my phone was just sitting there, in re-start mode, hung up and not starting OR stopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like that hourglass thing on the computer, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Asshole phone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was laying face down, naked with just a thin sheet over my ass, reaching over to grab the damn thing and try to shut it off before he came back in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would NOT stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I pulled the damn battery out and tossed the phone skeleton and battery on top of my purse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck da police.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm tryin' to get all relaxed up in here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got no time for that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">*breathe<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>breathe<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>breathe*</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">He knocks on the door and asks if I am ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stifle a laugh and say "Yep!!" (too enthusiastic?) and he comes on it and gives me the instructions about relaxing and where to stick my face and stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm glad he reminded me to breathe because 1) I had forgotten that part and 2) It let me know I am not the only hot mess he deals with in this joint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">So, I'm doing the face down in the hole thing and he makes a point of elaborately covering up anything that may give a hint of inappropriateness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, no side boob even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not very modest at all so that part made me giggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are grown ups here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you're not gonna touch my boobies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(But I totally understand why he does it in his profession.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">After making a show of covering up all the side boob, and everything else, he then removes part of the sheet from my back and starts working on my back muscles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy shit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This part is a little boring for you because all I remember is that it was amazingly wonderful and I wanted to make it rain (er, toss him some dolla bills) if he would just not stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he got to my lower back which is the bastard of my back area and started doing that hard, painful, intense, rubby massage that made me want to punch him in the balls while kissing him and then maybe have his babies. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I was ambivalent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it really worked the muscles I needed to be worked so it was fantabulous when he got done and the menthol lotion stuff felt great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he did some shoulder and arm stuff after that (I was still in a fog) and then he moved to my legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">This is the funny part:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He takes part of the sheet and totally mummifies my right leg so that ONLY my left leg is exposed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I am on Little House on the Prairie or something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I have worn a bonnet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A burka?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gods...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Anyway, he starts with the leg thing and, after rubbing the calf, he moves up to my thigh and then he does this thing with this hand where he is rubbing it up and down REALLY<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fast on my inner thigh and jiggling it back and forth and stuff to loosen the muscle and the thin sheet is doing this moving up and down thing and all I can think of is what this would look like if someone walked into the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I think I snorted a little inside (Hahaha!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, focus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relax... Breathe...)</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">He does the calf rub thing (which was amazing) and then moves down to my feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">Oh no, I should've gotten a pedicure first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I can think about is how dry my feet are and how he may have to charge me for more oil and oh damn he has to touch my feet that poor, poor man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to apologize to him or make excuses for why I am such a loser I didn't even get my feet properly smoothed out before he had to touch them and then I remembered that if I were going to get a pedicure I'd be apologizing to the guy at the nail salon and what's the diff?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SOMEONE is gonna know my feet are dry and not smooth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">Chillax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Breathe.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">I actually zoned out for awhile and enjoyed the next several minutes of leg/foot massage and then it was time to "turn over".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He made sure to totally cover me almost up to my neck (seriously, should I have brought a burka?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>while he turned his head and then I got comfy, closed my eyes and breathed and then I hear a very soft "click".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lights (which had been very dim before now) were turned out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like totally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't even know how he could see what he was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this because when I heard the lights go off, I peeked with one eye to see what the little noise was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn't see anything but shadows and the outline of the massage guy and the heat lamp.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">I have to tell you, I am <u>not</u> a huge fan of total darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am well aware that this guy is doing all of this stuff for MY comfort and to be all overly appropriate and stuff but I really was doing super peachy <u>until</u> the lights went out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I lay there and remind myself to chill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kinda reminded myself that the lights were basically already off before then (because my eyes were closed) so it wasn't a big whoop and, right about then, when I was about to get up and find the light switch myself, he did my FAVORITE part of any massage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know when they slip their hands under your shoulders and neck and just use the weight of your body to PULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL upward very slowly and it makes your head and toes tingle and you hope it never stops?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(If you have never felt that feeling go get a massage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not until you finish reading this, but right after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Totally amazing.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, so that took my mind off the weird lack of lighting situation. I just enjoyed the relaxy tingly stuffs for awhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">I had finally shut my brain off, got totally relaxed and purr-y again and then, as he started rubbing the top and front of my shoulders,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suddenly thought "Holy shit, what would I do if he grabbed my boob?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, second base is RIGHT there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe he turned off the lights so he could just "accidentally" get a handful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait, would a massage guy do that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I DID read this one news story where this dentist got himself handful of boob after giving the chick novocaine and, if you think about it, him getting me this relaxed from massage is SORTA like giving me novacaine because even if I wanted to move, I wouldn't WANT to, um, I mean I wouldn't be ABLE to, so it's kind of the same thing!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then he did that behind the shoulder/neck/head thing again, and then moved to an intense massage of my forearms and wrists and my brain shut off for the rest of the massage and I really didn't care if he grabbed my boobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white;">Which he didn't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Because he's not a boob grabber.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">The massage was amazing and relaxing and, other than the weird mummification and lights out things, one of the best massages I've ever had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">I wasn't sure I should DRIVE when he was done because I was so relaxed I felt a little drunk, but I got to take my time getting my bearings, drink lots of water and then coast on out when I was good and ready.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">Oh, and I also made sure I made my next appointment.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black;">And flashed him "Deuces"</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Peace.</span></div>
My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-50043822468866692252013-03-27T08:04:00.000-07:002017-03-05T09:00:16.556-08:00Have a Good Day?? Don't Fucking Tell Me What to Do. (Not for the Faint of Balls. I Mean, Heart)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a severe shortage of people who will allow curmudgeons
like me the opportunity to freely express and experience our periodic emotional cracks,
grumbles, and the occasional sourness that allows us to function the rest of
the time in a somewhat normal fashion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(We
even go so far as to smile and laugh sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We just don't feel the need to fucking brag about it all the damn time.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is totally nothing wrong with being surly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those of you who smile too much could really
learn a thing or two about a nice cleansing grumble from time to time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While talking to my girlfriend on the phone the other night, I
sorta experienced a psychotic break and ranted for a few minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Uh, I mean, I 'had an
enlightening and life-changing epiphany'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were talking about
how 1) Shit happens. and 2) The occasional acknowledgment of said "shit" does not equal a
life ruining event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> (She has been on the other end of the phone for some of the <span style="font-size: small;">fo-serious</span> "bad shit" so...she is kind of an expert in that area.) </span>In fact, having the
ability to be able to freely express the occasional disappointment and stuff is normal and sometimes even healthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We may not always do it in the most flowery and sugar-coated way, but that takes practice. I guess. This </span>means sometimes I am not going to be the most
pleasant person to be around on any given day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the imaginary sign on my office door
says:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Deal or GTFO".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It's right next to my Employee of the Month plaque (also imaginary).</span><br />
<br />
Honestly, I really don't know why I have not been selected to run a Team Building course
at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing brings a group closer
together than some good old fashioned bitching and non-constructive criticism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> In fact, one of my former "managers" did give me a glowing recommendation this one time when she told me she had a dream I came into work and went postal on everyone. My response was "Well, you know, Captain Twatwaffle (not her real name), if anyone was going to do it, it would be me!" *charming smile* It dawned on me later that she may not have intended that as a compliment. Huh....go figure. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ANYhoodles - If you want to be my friend or .... something,
don't be afraid to ask me how my day is going - even if you know I'm going to say I
stabbed someone with my stapler.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to be willing to hear the bad shit along with the sunshine and rainbows stuff (which I personally find a little boring). Also, don't
try to force a smile out of me before I am good and ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will get there in my own time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there exists a fine line between me
tolerating your "charm" and my foot up your ass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you want to know how to irritate me before I've had my
coffee? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell<i> </i>me to have a good
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bonus points:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do it in a sing-songy voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bossy asshole. I will shove that coffee stirrer so far up
your ass, your proctologist will have to perform a deep sea dive to get that
sucker out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Snorkeling, anyone?)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Things I Could Do
Without</u>:</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Endless
optimism for no apparent reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That shit is annoying as fuck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don't care if your glass is half full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you incessantly brag about it, I will
turn that mother fucker upside down on your head. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Birds
chirping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Also annoying as fuck.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's snowing outside you asshole birds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knock it off.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Singing
mice who also whistle while making me pretty dresses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Eh, on second thought, those might be
pretty cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will kiss them and
hug them and name them George and Marley. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will teach them to juggle tiny things and we will get discovered and have our own variety show and become rich and famous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm charming as FUCK.)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Lemonade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prefer tequila and salt with my
lemons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And lots of it.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Someone
saying to me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Smile!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could always be worse!*<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">smiley face</i>*"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No shit, Sherlock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've probably seen more "worse"
than your happy little ball of friggin sunshine ass would allow to enter into its awesome bubbly realm of glowing fantastical and utterly magical happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please allow me this moment of
"Ugh" while I work my way up to "Not killy".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you tell me to smile for no god
damned reason I will stab you in the face with a crayon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(That may not sound very bad, but it
will probably be a <u>broken</u> crayon - yes - as broken as my poor
twisted black emo heart - and thus maybe slightly sharp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or at least kinda jagged..or something.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Danger?</span> My middle <u>name</u> is Danger. So suck on that.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Stop
trying to make "perky" happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's <u>not</u> going to happen.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Things I Need in My
Life</u></i>:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">Friends
who will leave me the fuck alone when I need space to just think, or breathe or .... cry (Psh, I
don't cry, but I mean, IF I did.)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">Friends
(uh, probably different friends) who will let me call and scream into the
phone for no apparent reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These
friends should speak fluent Angst and also be able to reassure me that, no
matter what I am upset about, I am right, everyone else is wrong and I was
completely justified in keying the car of the barrista who failed to put enough
cream in my coffee. I mean, justified in whatever action may or may not
have been the result of my distress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Ignore the part about the car keying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can't prove SHIT.)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">A
period playlist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some tunes to jam
out to while I am droppin' eggs would be the shiz.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something upbeat and soothing by, like, "Drowning
Pool" or "Avenged Sevenfold".</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">A gay
best friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need a man in my life
who can hold me, stroke my hair, (without the boner thx) and let me lament about that
shoe sale I missed, while I beat my fists against the wall and scream
"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then write some haiku poetry about why DSW hates me. Nobody understands the fucking tragedy of a missed shoe sale like a
gay BFF.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">An
unlimited supply of chocolate-covered-everything with zero calories -
covered in whipped cream.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">Bacon.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">A
life-sized Jon Hamm doll. </li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">Ten
thousand dollars in unmarked bills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Why? Because fuck off, that's why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's MY list.)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;">A
heating pad and some Midalium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(That's a drug I invented which is a combination of Midol and
Valium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You're welcome.)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really don't think that is too much to ask, do you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dick.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #660000;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This blog has been
brought to you by the letters "P", "M", and "S" and the color "Red". </i></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;">If you took any of this blog seriously, you need help. I am usually a ray of fucking sunshine. </span></span></span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;">Ask anyone. </span></span></span></i></b></div>
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span> </span></i></b></div>
</div>
</div>
My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-20563182282815317152013-02-28T08:57:00.000-08:002013-03-27T05:49:23.227-07:00Who the Hell Am I?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">This is a blog I put together because I was tagged by a fellow blogger: <a href="http://tzookeeperswife.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Zookeeper's Wife</a> (She is all kinds of awesome so please go give her a read!) and asked to do a lil informational bloggy type thing, so........strap in! It's gonna be a bumpy ride. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">1. Where were you
born?</span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I was born in Fremont, Michigan at Gerber Memorial
Hospital. My father quickly joined the
military so my grandfather wouldn't shoot him and we moved around a lot after
that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">2. Were you named
after someone?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I was born in the month of April, about nine months after my
teenage parents engaged in back seat antics that I do not care to even think
about. I guess when the doctor said I
was a girl, one of them said "Shit!
What month is it??" So, here
I am. (Side note: My father told me at one point he wanted to
name me Heidi. I have red hair. I feel like I dodged a bullet there.) My grandmother begged my mother to terminate the pregnancy but my mother decided that 16 was a perfect age to raise a child and said "Hell no" and then took off with my father. [I personally think adopting me out would've been a viable option, but, that's just hindsight talking.]</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">3. If you have
children, how many do you have?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I have three kids and one who didn't make it home from the
hospital when he was born (a long time ago).
This has always been a hard question for me to answer, but I promised I
would be more "real" with my writing because real stuff happens sometimes so, there it is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">4. How many pets do
you have?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">We have two cats.
Sammy and Batman. Sammy has been
with us for over 8 years and was named after a Girl Scout cookie (my daughter
was in Girl Scouts at the time so she named her gray tiger
"Samoa" (also known as Caramel Delights..purrr) We call her
Sammy). Batman is an asshole who pees on
things if he is unsupervised. I almost
pepper sprayed Batman one night when he got stuck in my son's room, made a huge
racket that sounded very robbery and killy and I jumped out of bed naked (um, I
was alone, shut up) grabbed my pepper spray, kicked the bedroom door open and
almost got him (and myself) in the face.
See? Asshole.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">5. What was your
worst injury?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm just gonna go with a funny one here. When I was about five years old, I wanted
something that was on top of my dresser.
I decided it would be a swell idea to climb UP the dresser to get to
said item and the dresser fell on me. My
father had to take me to the ER, bleeding everywhere, and he almost passed out
because he can't handle the sight of blood. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">6. Do you have a
special talent?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I can take my bra off while remaining otherwise fully clothed. Shut up, that totally counts. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">7. What is your
favorite thing to bake?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Lasagne and brownies.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">8. What is your
favorite fast food?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Does Qdoba count?
Totally Qdoba. Or Chipotles. Mexican.
(Taco Bell doesn't count. Unless
I'm drunk. But seriously - what is IN that stuff?)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">9. Would you bungee
jump?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Are you INSANE? I'd
be the one pooping my pants on the way down and I am SURE my daughter would get
it on video. So, we are gonna go with a
big ole "Negative Ghost Rider" on that one.
I would love to go sky diving
though. Even though I am super afraid of heights. Dammit.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;">10. What is the first
thing you notice about people?</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">This is gonna sound weird, but.. the way they make me
feel. I get a hinky sense about people
and I can usually smell a bullshitter a mile away. This skill has taken me almost 39 years to
develop. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;">11. When was the last
time you cried?</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Please. I never
cry. Unless I am out of coffee. Alright, I cry about once every 28 days and
it usually has something to do with my thighs.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;">12. Any current
worries?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Are my
thighs engaged in some sort of conspiracy against my pants?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Is my
cat trying to kill me?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Where
am I going to live in a few months? (I'm not homeless, just looking for a
new place - chillax)</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">My
daughter is going to be 18 next year.
Holy shit.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Is
YouTube ever going to stop showing me "demo" videos when all I
want is the fucking OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO?
And where is the "YES TO ALL" button that should be next
to "Skip this Ad?" It is
ALWAYS "Yes" YouTube.
Always. (This keeps me up at
night.)</span></li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">13. Name three drinks
you drink regularly.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Coffee, milk with coffee in it, and water. If I am feeling boozy, it's a GOOD red wine
or sangria. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">14. What is your
favorite book?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I loved "Gone With the Wind". Read it three times as a teenager. It's over 500 pages long but I spent a lot of
time locked in my room trying to avoid my family. :) I love a wide variety of books so I could
fill this entire blog with titles.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">15. Would you like to
be a pirate?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">No. If I am a pirate,
and Johnny Depp is a pirate (a'la Captain Jack) it kinda ruins the whole
"damsel in distress" thing I had going on. I think I would keep some Listerine breath
strips handy for when he goes in for the kiss though.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">16. What are your
favorite smells?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Coffee, jasmine, lavender, men's cologne, fresh baked bread,
that newborn baby smell (I could sniff their heads all day long)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">17. Why do you blog?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I blog because as I go through my daily routine and see the
most innocuous things, my brain turns them into stories and I get distracted
unless and until I sit and write them down.
I have a lot of things I have written that I am sure nobody will ever
see. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">18. What song do you
want played at your funeral?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc" target="_blank">Chumbawamba "Tub Thumping"</a> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Just because.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">19. What is the least
favorite thing about yourself?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">The fact that I am so neurotic. I also wish I was less intelligent so stupid
people didn't bother me. (Sheldon Cooper much?)
I know, I know...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">20. What is your
favorite hobby?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Reading and writing. And embarrassing my children. (Yelling out the door "MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!"
as the older two are getting on the bus in the morning. Ah, I love it.) I'm a simple girl. I
also don't have a lot of time for hobbies.<br /><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">21.
</span></b></span><b><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: small;"> What do you look for in a friend?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">The ability to laugh at almost anything. Someone chill who will complement my
neurotic, yet charmingly awkward personality. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">22. Name something
you've done that you never thought you'd do.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">We went through a "TEAM BUILDING" ropes course
when I worked at the University and my boss said that, at the end of it all, if
I'd climb to the top of the telephone pole with a harness on, counting on my DUMB ASS co-workers to pull the ropes tight so I wouldn't SPLAT, then he would do it too. I am deathly afraid of heights but I also was (and am)
very competitive. I couldn't turn down a dare and he knew it. (Also, I was like, 22 years old
and a total show off)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">He and I were the only two who did it. We took turns climbing to the top of the damn
pole, stood on it (the tops of telephone poles are about six inches wide you
guys and the thing was about 60 feet tall) and counted to three and jumped -
counting on our co-workers to yank the ropes, tightening our harnesses and
preventing us from plummeting to our certain deaths. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">That was the first time I ever said
"HOLYMUTHAFUCKINSHITBALLS IFUCKINGHATEYOUGUYS!!!!!!" in front of my
boss. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Also something I never thought I'd
do. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Kind of a two-fer there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">23. What are your
favorite things to do?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Cuddling with my youngest child (gotta enjoy it while she still
lets me), watching movies with my kids, traveling, seeing and doing new things,
going on adventures, making people laugh, drinking mah coffeh!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">24. Any pet peeves?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I can't stand listening to people chew with their mouths
open, slurp food or chomp
their gum. Bad table manners disgust
me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #20124d;">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">25. What is the last
thing that made you laugh?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">The last thing that made me full-on belly laugh was when my friend and I went to Subway and I told her I wonder if the sandwich guy has self esteem issues because chicks spend all day asking for 12 inches on white and when he gets home he only has 6. Her chokes of laughter made me choke and we both looked like a couple of idiots and that made us laugh more and I don't know how either of us made it out without peeing our pants.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
____________________________________________<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm supposed to tag some other bloggers but I am a newbie (on this particular site) and don't want to annoy less tolerant writer-types so I am going to just come back later and give you a list of some of my favorites and ask you to go read them.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Updated</u></b>: Here are my personal Top Ten - The bloggers I read every day:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.rantingseriously.com/" target="_blank">Seriously!?!</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.insanemombrain.com/" target="_blank">Insane in the Mom-Brain</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/" target="_blank">People I Want to Punch in the Throat</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Bitches Gotta Eat</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://theklonopinchronicles.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Klonopin Chronicles</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://happyhausfrau.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Happy Hausfrau</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://wirmtsw.blogspot.com/?zx=47a8ab8a186febb" target="_blank">What I Had Really Meant to Say</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.wantadumpsterbaby.com/" target="_blank">I Want a Dumpster Baby</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://sliceofhumble.blogspot.com/?zx=3f1f4086fa35cf1f" target="_blank">Slice of Humble</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://underachievingdomesticgoddess.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess</a><br />
<br />
<br />
Go give them a read and tell them I sent you.<br />
<br />
Go on - git.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-5229846548705594092013-02-26T17:56:00.000-08:002013-02-27T06:58:24.455-08:00The Things They Don't Tell You About Being a Single Parent<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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</script><i><span style="color: black;"><img class="rg_i" data-sz="f" name="c-4_7GHadhJayM:" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcREg7LhALrnBFUHK1_Wl99NRG4eWLhJHv0aBkmtLS1yNBaNIn_w_g" style="height: 180px; margin-left: -2px; margin-top: 0px; width: 208px;" /></span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i><span style="color: black;"></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i><span style="color: black;">A <b>single parent</b> (or <b>solo parent</b>) is a parent, not living with a spouse or partner, who has most of the day-to-day responsibilities in raising the child or children.<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sounds fairly straight-forward doesn't it? Oh, what a short and neat description for one of the most intense, difficult jobs I could've ever imagined having. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I didn't sign up for this.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I didn't <u>plan</u> to be a single parent. I didn't get "knocked up" and plan to raise children by myself. I thought I was going to have help. I got married almost 20 years ago, had two planned babies and one surprise (er, blessing) and then, when my youngest was two and a half, and the other two were nearly teenagers, I left my husband. What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking? That is a thought that has crossed my mind often in the last four years. Followed quickly by a remembrance of some dumbass thing my ex had done and a sigh of relief I didn't have to live with him on a daily basis anymore. Honestly - three children is enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But really. The realization that these little humans are, like, my responsibility. That gut-wrenching "I took them from their father" thing that happens (still) in the middle of the night sometimes. The constant questioning of whether I could've sucked it up for another 15 years so they could've had the illusion of a happy childhood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yeah...no. I was dying inside. So, I left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Seven years prior to my actual departure, we had had the "I'm leaving your ass if you don't knock your shit off" discussion and I almost left him then. But I gave him about six hundred second chances. Also, I didn't want to be alone. Raising (at that time) two babies. By myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This time shit was real. I fucking did it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Damn, I really did it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the hell am I gonna do now??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The first night alone in my new place, when he picked them up for their first "overnight" visit, I cried for pretty much the whole night. That sucked. It got better but not much. Nothing prepares you for that feeling. And, nothing can prepare you for the job of being a single parent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here are some things I didn't know:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nobody understands - unless they are other single parents</span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other parents will judge you immediately. They will question why you didn't suck it up for the sake of the kids. (Never mind that you didn't tell them the dirty details of it all to spare HIM) They don't understand why you are so tired and stressed out all the time. They have NO idea what that extra warm body at home means. And your married girlfriends bitching about how their lazy ass husbands fed their childen FROZEN PIZZA that night for dinner? Well, they are gonna make you want to punch them in the throat. You had help? You selfish.... Ugh. They just don't get it. Don't expect them to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There really are NO sick days. Or tired days.</span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After working for 9 hours a day (plus my one hour commute each way to and from work) I would pick up the little one from day care, go home and start my second shift "job". The thing about kids is they need to eat <u>every</u> <u>single</u> <u>day</u>. (They don't tell you that shit in the hospital). Also, dishes and laundry need to be done. Every day. And bath time. And general house cleaning. School papers need to be signed. Field trips need to be noted on the calendar. Checks for lunch money need to be written. There is no handing this stuff off to anyone. It's all you. Maybe you can make time for the flu this weekend. Right now, suck it up and let's do this. Pansy.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><a data-ved="0CAUQjRw" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=PcGaZn0foNp7YM&tbnid=DvTbSCUtbiGfsM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mallerysdeals.com%2F2012%2F06%2F04%2Fi-salute-single-moms%2F&ei=KWYtUYW0LcHZqAHXvIG4Dw&bvm=bv.42965579,d.aWM&psig=AFQjCNGJVmi0wskMm3ugS5SPUShmK7RhgQ&ust=1362015878848393" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor;"><img height="224" id="irc_mi" src="http://www.mallerysdeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/single-mom.jpg" style="margin-top: 67px;" width="320" /></a></o:p></span></div>
<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></u><br />
<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Your friends aren't going to see you. Ever. Especially the single, kid-less ones</span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember how, when you were married you could go out for girls night every now and then, have a drink and know that the kids were taken care of? Remember when you had money to buy new clothes, matching undergarments, and beer? Forget it. You don't have any extra money. And you can't afford the recovery time a night of drinking will require. Even if they are at dad's that particular night, they will be back tomorrow. And, tomorrow? Well, you're pretty much fucked. Kids don't care if you have a headache. They have shit going on and it's important and you better listen. Dammit. She just learned how to sing "Wheels on the Bus" and that shit rocks and if you don't sit there for an hour listening to it fifty times in a row you suck as a mother. Haven't they already been through enough?? (Yes, you will put up with some crazy ass shit because of that sentence)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Your ex is going to drive you insane</span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. One of the most difficult things for me was <u>not</u> bashing my children's father in front of my children. When he doesn't make child support payments on time and/or doesn't help pay for school activities or lunch money, or winter coats. It's really, REALLY, difficult not to go on a total psychotic rant about what an irresponsible fuck-wit he is. When your child tells you they NEED money for band shoes for a performance tomorrow and you don't get paid for two days and you write a check hoping it clears .... Yeah, you kinda want to bad mouth him a little bit. When he responds to any message you send him - UNLESS it has to do with money or stuff the kids need - and you want to strangle him. Or scream. Don't do it in front of your kids. As much of an ass as he can be, he is still their dad and they need to hold on to some semblance of their father as being a decent human being. But, DO go punch something after they leave. It will make you feel MUCH better.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Guess who's going to the convenience store at midnight</span></u><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are. There is no one to help you run errands anymore. If the three year old stuffs the last of the toilet paper down the john, not only do you have to do the plumbing repair, you also have to go to the store in the middle of the night to re-stock. That twenty year old kid who is always working at 2:00 a.m. at the Circle K better get used to your disheveled hair/yoga pants/fuck-with-me-and-I-kill look otherwise your relationship is going to be very strained. You will become buddies. Trust me. He will never be out of milk or toilet paper. Or chocolate. Or tissues. He knows. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are a million and one other things you learn as a single parent but I guess the most important lesson is that you are strong enough to do it all alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Even if you wish you didn’t have to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p>__________________________________________ </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p>If you've enjoyed this blog, please take a moment to vote for me:</o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><a href="http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Single-Moms-2013">http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Single-Moms-2013</a></o:p></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-14915025559666573082013-02-02T06:02:00.000-08:002017-03-05T09:49:13.468-08:00Can Moms Be Sexy?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I was pondering this question after I fell off the scale at the doctor's office. Okay, that probably requires an explaination: I stepped on the scale, saw a number I had never seen before, nearly fainted, and the nurse had to catch me. (PS: If I go to the doctor's office for a sinus infection, DON'T make me step on the scale. I already feel like crap thankyouverymuch. Giving me cardiac arrest is not cool.)</h4>
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I then re-examined my need to get my ever-expanding ass back to the gym. </h4>
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I have always been a little bit vain. I have always wanted to look nice, both for myself and for my partner. It feels good when I look good. Right now, I don't look my best you guys. </h4>
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Not only do I want to firm up and lose some weight, but I also miss that terrific feeling I get after a good workout. Even though the results don't come as quickly as they used to, the endorphin rush, the muscle tone, and the sense of a job well done always felt pretty damn good. It was a GREAT stress reliever.</h4>
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Last time I made a full-on commited effort to get my ass back in shape, I did it with a vengeance. The weight wasn't really dropping (in large part due to a not-as-of-that-time-diagnosed medical-type issue), but my BODY felt good. I remember distinctly, after my first full month going to the gym four times a week, I was kind of strutting around in front of the full length mirror, ignoring the flaws, checking out the muscle I found in my thigh – oh yeah, they're on their way back baby! Then I started shaking my booty. It didn't shake as much as it did last month. Then of course, I had to flex my arms a bit. Nice biceps (I say to myself). Keep up the good work! </h4>
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Then I pulled a muscle patting myself on the back (dammit). </h4>
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It made me think that I can be a mother AND be hot and sexy again. Is that vain? Am I allowed to want to be as pretty as I can? I haven't been taking the best care of myself this last few years. Time to change all that. There is hope for me yet. Motherhood is job number one - but can we be great mothers and still take pride in our appearance?</h4>
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With everything mothers have going on in our day to day lives, it's so easy to put our looks and health at the bottom of the list. I have always tried to stay in shape, but I have to tell you that being a single mom, working a full time job, transporting kids to their various instrument lessons and concerts and ballet (don't forget ballet!), and also keeping up with the house work it's not easy! I am tired all the time and I rely far too often on convenience meals. I don't make time to work out. Or sleep. Hobby? What's a hobby? </h4>
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I really think we Muthas tend to put ourselves last. I don't think we even mind or give it a second thought for the most part. It just is the way it is. And then we wake up one day and wonder what the HELL happened.</h4>
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Sometimes, this causes relationship issues. One partner (we will say "Mom" for the sake of this blog) quits taking care of herself because everything else comes first. She isn't getting help from her mate because he figures he put in 9 solid hours or so at the office so he's done his part. Time to sit back, enjoy the hot meal before him, and then go take a snooze in front of the tube, while she cleans up the kitchen, washes dishes, gets the toddler out of the dishwasher, bathes the children, pulls the toddler out of the toilet…….the list goes on. </h4>
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By the time the work/transporting/chores are done, she is exhausted. He's refreshed after his dinner and his nice little nap on the couch and when they finally do get to bed the only action he is seeing is a punch to the nuts when he tries to touch her. </h4>
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Men are visually oriented. He sees her in sweat pants and a hair bun and no make up one day too many and he's lost the attraction. Women are action-oriented. Show us something and we will show YOU something (IF you know what I mean). Don't be afraid of things like dish soap and diapers. If the only action you are showing us is your napping ability, the only action you will be getting is the do-it-yourself kind. We really WILL be too tired to be enthusiastic about your penis. (Hehe - I said "penis")</h4>
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The formula is really quite simple:</h4>
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Tired, overworked and ignored moms and wives = NO SEX </h4>
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Happy, relaxed and loved moms and wives = HOT SEX.</h4>
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Now, ladies.... I am NOT suggesting you "use" sex to get what you want. That's not cool and if you withhold sex as a form of behavior modification, that's totally wrong. I mean, I hear it works REALLY, REALLY well, but still... Let him know he's not doing enough. Ask for what you want. With your words, not your locked vagina. (But, you know, save the really dirty stuff for when he washes the pans.) </h4>
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Guys - when she makes an effort - acknowledge it. When in doubt - ACKNOWLEDGE IT. "Your hair looks really great with yogurt in it." goes over much better than "You haven't shaved since the Clinton administration, have you?"</h4>
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If I could, I would get manicures, pedicures, massages and facials (hehe, I said "facials") a few times a month; Just to feel pampered and good about myself. That's just not possible on this budget, but someday, when my first book is published, I will pamper myself - A LOT. Until then, I will make do with what I have. I'll get my ass back to the gym, put on my make up everyday, and drink my 8 glasses of water a day. </h4>
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I DO get my nails done every few weeks and I am okay with that. I quit smoking two years ago and I would much rather spend a little bit of money on something that makes me feel pretty rather than a lot of money on something that is going to kill me. </h4>
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It makes me feel great. And everyone should have the opportunity to feel great, don't you think?</h4>
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<i>(This is the re-working of a blog I originally published in 2007, when I was married, the youngest was a toddler, and I really needed to feel like it was okay to want to be sexy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been updated/edited to fit my current situation.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-19207114203806218822013-01-18T18:00:00.000-08:002017-03-05T08:58:08.165-08:00Channing Tatum Doesn't Melt My Butter (And Other Reasons I May Lose My Girl Card)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sometimes I feel like it's only a matter of time before I lose my girl card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, I don't seem to get my panties in a bunch for the same things most other women do. For example:<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">1.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Channing Tatum doesn't melt my butter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Yes, you read that right.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">No, I am not a lesbian.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I am, however, probably one of the very last women on the planet to watch "Magic Mike". (I still haven't seen 'The Vow". </span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">He is in that one too, right?)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Geez.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> Bitches be trippin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">I kept <u>meaning</u> to watch Magic Mike. Really.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I knew I definitely wanted to see all that man flesh up on the big screen...but it just never made it on my "must do" list.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I finally rented it a few nights ago just to see what all the fuss was about.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Now, I am NOT going to lie, I totally didn't mind watching (and, maybe, re-watching, you know, for research purposes) those nekkid dance scenes.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I AM a woman after all, and sometimes we love to watch half naked men flex their...uh...stuff.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I just don't get why Channing Tatum is such a big deal.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">To me, he looks like a 15 year old boy with a steroid habit.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">And his huge ears bother me.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">Yes, ladies, I was looking at his ears.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">And, no, I am not coming out as a lesbian.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">I swear.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Not that there's anything wrong with that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">2. Fifty Shades of Grey made me yawn.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"> I tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I made it through the entire first book. It was a pain-staking process that started to feel like homework after awhile.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> I could not finish the trilogy and I was a little concerned about those friends who told me how much they LOVED the books and told me I just HAD to read them.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> And, no, it wasn't the subject matter that bothered me.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> (In case you live under a rock, these books talk about BDSM and power exchange relationships.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> Oooooh scandalous!)</span><span style="font-size: small;"> To be honest, my partner and I do things on the weekends that would make Christian Grey blush.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> No, that wasn't the problem at all.</span><span style="font-size: x-small; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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It was the juvenile writing and the unbelievable story line:<br />
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<i>Rich bazillionaire falls for bumbling college virgin who orgasms, like, the first time he looks at her. He gets jealous whenever she talks to anyone her own age, and buys her a car five minutes after meeting her. Oh, and then spanks her ass and stuff. She questions her desires and cries for, like, a year, and the book ends with us thinking she is going to basically jump off a bridge.</i></blockquote>
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In order to try to keep it interesting so I could finish the book, I invented a drinking game. I decided that every time his "penetrating gaze" made her "flush bright red" I would take a shot. I was hammered by Chapter 3.<br />
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3. I am not crafty - at all.<br />
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I look at all these things my girlfriends are "pinning" on Pinterest and I know about half of my friends actually have the desire to do this stuff. I wonder "Who has time for all this shit?" I have three kids, a full time job and a man in my life. I rarely have time to sleep for 8 hours a night. <br />
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I don't decoupage. (If you had to Google that, we will get along just fine). I used to scrapbook, but I think I got one kid's album done up to the age of 5 and the other two are S.O.L. (They have online scrapbooking now. Boom.) Most of my children's photos are still in digital format. I don't sew. I don't typically bake for fun (unless it's Christmas cookies) and I don't knit or paint flower pots or any of that other stuff. I simply have no desire to sit down and make little kitschy things to put on shelves in my house. I seem to be missing that gene. <br />
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I can cook. I can sew on a button if I need to. But sewing for recreation sounds like torture to me. I don't know if I could even sit still for long enough to do it. I seem to have adult-onset A.D.O.S. (Attention Deficit "Ooh! Shiny!"). <br />
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Shut up, it's a real thing.<br />
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4. I prefer action movies over chick flicks.<br />
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I love movies that have big, dirty, sweaty, muscle-bound guys chasing after each other with guns and blowing shit up. Want to bring me to tears in the movie theater? Bring the original "Die Hard" back to the big screen. Not that "Die Harder With a Vengeance" crap with the over-the-top computer generated action. The original. The one with all the action and sweat and blood in it. <br />
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Or, how about Indiana Jones? No, not 70 year old Harrison Ford with his stupid earring in one ear hobbling around the desert looking for his dentures while Calista Flockhart changes his diaper. The original "Raiders of the Lost Ark". On big screen. Scruffy archaeologist with fedora and whip saves damsel in distress. Serious. Lady. Wood. <br />
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5. Classic cars make my motor run.<br />
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I have always had an affinity for big, gas guzzling, motor revving, room-in-the-backseat, shiny classic cars. 7 miles to the gallon? Talk slower baby. Give me a 1967 Chevelle SS over a 2012 Camaro anyday. I don't want to hear a smooth motor..no..I want the VROOM! VROOM! old school environmentally irresponsible and totally bad ass panty dropping roaring engine from Hell.<br />
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-2713970152065354852012-09-25T17:13:00.000-07:002013-02-19T12:45:30.029-08:00Girls' Night Out or National Geographic?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a data-ved="0CAUQjRw" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=4v1dZmivyYYfsM&tbnid=Bj27y4LvtXqLYM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sodahead.com%2Ffun%2Fjoke-time-wow-what-a-girls-night-out%2Fquestion-2695585%2F&ei=J94eUdb8M9O1qQGz1oGoCQ&bvm=bv.42553238,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNHjRA4Kbxil1cVyR4yslIzCb3iseA&ust=1361063780837036" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img height="212" id="irc_mi" src="http://images.sodahead.com/polls/002695585/4053684875_timba_xlarge.jpeg" style="margin-top: 98px;" width="320" /></a></div>
I was recently contemplating the last time I went out for a totally wild and crazy girls night out. You know, those nights you just want to dress like Snookie's slutty mom, drink too much tequila, and place bets with your girlfriends on who can last the longest in 4 inch heels? The nights you know damn well you are going to drink so much bad tequila you will be blaming that shit for your badass (awkward) dance moves and amazing (cat in heat) singing voice? Those nights.<br /><br />We are old (late 30's) so we had a plan. Yes, we plan shit when we get older. Like your mom does. <br /><br /><br />
We did all the right things: My friend's husband was designated driver (and security), we ate before we started drinking, and we asked the DJ to play songs that didn't suck. PS: Why do those assholes never listen? I HATE that dance remix crap. Just when you think you're moving in the right direction, they mix another stupid song in and totally mess up the groove. Pretty damn dangerous after you've had a few shots and you're dancing around in high-heeled boots. Disc jockeys, listen up: Play some funky leg-humping jams and let us act half our age for shit's sake. How hard is that? We don't care how badass your record scratching skillz are. This isn't 8 Mile. And you're twice as white as Eminem is. Knock it off already.<br />
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<br /><br />ANYWHO - I was very optimistic about this night out, regardless of the fact the DJ kept playing douche-tastic spins that barely resembled any music I've ever wanted to listen to. I was maintaining a delicate balance on the heels of my boots, and I was feeling fabulous. Sorta.<br /><br />Maybe the problem was that I was not drunk enough. I mean, in my 20's I was able to go out almost every weekend, drink until last call (and try to bri<span style="font-size: small;">be the bar tender for a few extra) and almost always (key word – almost) stay on my feet. I swear, I had many, many E</span>PIC nights out with my friends. We wore EPIC clothes and drank EPIC shooters and dissed the most EPIC douchebags. It was so much fun - wasn't it? Huh.... I think I was probably just so obliterated I didn't realize how much it really sucked. Blackouts were a gift.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5pt 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none;">
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<span style="font-size: small;">This time around, I was more observant. I now realize how closely the bar scene resembles something from the National Geographic Channel. The predators (men or something resembling the male form) are surrounding the hunting ground (dance floor) waiting for their prey (drunk, half-dressed women) to fall so the</span>y can cull the weak ones from the herd one-by-one. The closer that clock gets to 2:00 a.m., the wider their eyes get. The saliva dripping, they start to growl; rubbing their paws together in anticipation. You can SMELL their desperation as they are making their selections. It's really quite sad. What's even MORE sad is the girls whose self esteem is dependent on being able to leave the bar with some snaggle toothed knuckle dragger who can't even properly hold her hair out of her face while she's puking, much less hold an erection lasting longer than 10 seconds.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a data-ved="0CAUQjRw" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=ntOenAExmzKbTM&tbnid=2Z6LsTaKrRXIsM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Ffunnyanimalsa2z.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F09%2Flion-funny-pics-2011.html&ei=k-AeUcyBEsy8qAHR54DoCg&bvm=bv.42553238,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNGD4Gh9Uochsh2en1FZuSX7iINs8g&ust=1361064455437150" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor;"><img height="128" id="irc_mi" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwWZJXSFXqH_F-j5_pYWOleuZtu44Ap_Mh5BPaDYb2Qa59pgU2XPZQyHq0mmb6tLGJx81leasxC0OZKORFtwyPcj1AjOF6qv2tBmPNl9UKxuC9gJUSYPSBGqkzwC6v0z5FY5_2Ztwg7Xl8/s200/Lion+Funny+Pics_7.jpg" style="margin-top: 38px;" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfEQxr94ALK_1x8R4Hr9vXaugzcMVARbGX6_2VpqwMahF8Q0ZFaibgBovQny1d7RyCnJIVmoLe7GuqnwuSHm5mu6p64FnLxxj1ufxRRR1bXzS6ctKqRAQcPTyLrAxascYjA-4JhHimsew/s1600-h/passed_out_girls_03.jpg"></a></div>
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<br /><br />Now, I can't say I have NEVER been that girl. Let's be honest. Shit happens. Tequila clouds our already-tenuous judgment. But, when you grow the fuck up and take a look at what is going on out there, it takes the fun right out of it.<br /><br />My biggest annoyance is that, for some reason, most men seem to think that any woman on the dance floor is fair game. It's like they figure, well, if she didn't totally want to jump on my junk, she wouldn't be shaking her hips like that. Really, dude? We shake our hips for the same reason guys scratch their balls - because we can. (Or because we can barely stand). I'm a pretty independent girl, so I can handle myself, however, when I see some idiot going for a cop-a-feel move on one of my girlfriends, shit is gonna go down. Just don't, dude. <br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=juvw0Ao66MWdxM&tbnid=91HgKUInTJIYzM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Floldaddy.com%2Fpics%2F8100&ei=u-AeUbi4OcPtqQHPuYGYBQ&bvm=bv.42553238,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNGTJsDMDEA0K2Yel2hxw1LEfzE-sg&ust=1361064503840812"><img height="254" src="http://loldaddy.com/images/uploaded_pics/loldaddy.com-1349440840.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />We shouldn't have to take self-defense class to enjoy ourselves. All I dream of is a world where women can dress like total whores, get completely wasted and have guys leave us alone so we can go home by ourselves and cry about how fat and ugly we must be because none of those assholes paid attention to us.<br /><br />Is that too much to ask?<br /><br />Damn. My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-66784649467680409312012-08-08T18:33:00.000-07:002013-02-19T12:50:25.031-08:00Are You Emotionally Slutty?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">We all know one don’t we?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The slut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The friend who is never
home on a Friday night and has a smile on her face all week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Generally speaking, a slut is a woman who
gives her body indiscriminately to whoever strikes her fancy or scratches her
itch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman who acts like a man, but
we give her a dirty title so she feels like a lesser person for it (that is a
subject for another blog).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway…</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What about emotional sluts?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How are we emotionally slutty in new relationships?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does it even MEAN to be an emotional
slut? </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Emotional sluts tend to give too much information too soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discussing issues from past relationships
before establishing a new one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It's about g</span>iving
away your heart and exposing your vulnerabilities before it’s appropriate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s face it:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Raping his ear for hours before he even has a
chance to determine if he likes you or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sound familiar?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">First dates are not the time to talk about how many times
you’ve broken up and how every guy you’ve ever dated told you how crazy you are
(you may want to see a shrink about that by the way). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
not the time to discuss how you have trust issues or how men who chew with their
mouths open remind you of your father, who, by the way, was kind of an asshole
when you were growing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(That’s really more of a twelfth date subject.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also not the time to bitch about your ex
and discuss every single flaw he had or asshole behavior he demonstrated to
you, while projecting all those bad feelings on the innocent (yet slightly
terrified) man sitting across from you at the dinner table.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">What do you think is going through this guy’s head as he is
attempting to appear as though he is listening to your rambling train of
thought (which has long-since de-railed)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He’s trying to figure out how he can possibly manage to discreetly
decline the dessert menu and get out of this without exchanging phone numbers,
yet still have sex with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s
mentally shopping for duct tape and ear plugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, he is even contemplating ditching you in exchange for a quiet
masturbation session at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would
YOU do in his situation?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Now, I’m pretty much perfect as you all know, but I can say
I have found myself doing this, ON OCCASION.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe not on a first date...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First dates are for re-directing the conversation to him so I can avoid
talking about myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try not to
sabotage things until at least date three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, a bitch has to eat, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, seriously, by the third date I am trying to figure out what the guy’s
angle is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve had a few meals
together, maybe we’ve had a little fun on the side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What more is there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not LOOKING for a relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmph.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">So, what happens next? We deploy Operation: Emotional Slut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> (Lock and load, bitches). </span>This is not usually a conscious effort on our
part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This comes from actually having
been in shit relationships that probably caused a hell of a lot of damage and issues
that, quite frankly, most men wouldn’t touch with another man’s borrowed pole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But subconsciously, I am pretty sure we are
trying to sabotage the these new opportunities in order to spare ourselves from that dreaded “F”
word:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*shudder* <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">If you think about it, isn’t this the same reason some girls
are sexual sluts?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so easy to be slutty
with someone, but the other stuff, the relationship stuff, is hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t know about you, but I am pretty
fucking tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, if we hammer them
with unwanted information, they will run like hell and we can justify our
insecurities by telling ourselves “See?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He didn’t like me either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forever
alone.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we “don’t know why.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You do now. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were an emotional slut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You sabotaged it yourself because you are
insecure.</span></div>
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</span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Try opening your ears and closing your lips for a minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait to hear what he has to say before you
railroad him with all your baggage. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Learn how to accept a compliment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe,
just MAYBE he’s not an asshole who is waiting to hurt you and run like hell. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Maybe he…likes you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<a data-ved="0CAUQjRw" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=qv5bLhxHh3Fr5M&tbnid=ENQvQf2AXUeeUM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sodahead.com%2Ffun%2Fwho-makes-you-smile%2Fquestion-1158111%2F&ei=OOceUfexCInl0gGcloH4Cw&bvm=bv.42553238,d.dmQ&psig=AFQjCNFt2zcgBTSZpKV_FHqazXOZ0vxMUg&ust=1361066082652173" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor;"><img height="341" id="irc_mi" src="http://www.cupidblogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/man-holding-rose1.jpg" style="margin-top: 44px;" width="341" /></a></div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-23655470640941941622012-07-02T15:16:00.003-07:002013-04-08T10:50:25.901-07:0024 Hours Is Never Enough: A Mother's Diary of Insanity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p>This is the re-post of a blog I wrote when my youngest was a baby. </o:p></span></div>
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<a data-ved="0CAUQjRw" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=oT4KPIKksIaYIM&tbnid=lU5lzhMZZ7qFIM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotjustanotherjen.com%2Ftag%2Fsahm%2F&ei=aOgeUfvcK4XyqAHI5IC4AQ&bvm=bv.42553238,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNHp15ps5tF6sf3mPqKeDq7FAAlsiQ&ust=1361066438409067" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor;"><img height="267" id="irc_mi" src="http://notjustanotherjen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/I-dont-suffer-from-insanity-pic-300x267.jpg" style="margin-top: 81px;" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am reasonably certain that the whole 24 hour day was created by man. Not "man" as in "human". A man. The ones who can pee standing up and don't have to dry their hair in the mornings. Some dude who figured he could neatly fit every little thing he needed into that span of time, be productive, and get a good 6-8 hours of sleep. It wasn't a woman. And if it WAS a woman, it was one with no children who only needs 4 hours of sleep and her lipstick always looks perfect. She probably has time to brag about it too. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A-hole.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've got a newsflash for you: 24 hours is NOT enough. And to prove my point, I give you the following typical day in the life of this work at home mom: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border: 1pt solid windowtext; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6:30 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: windowtext windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: solid solid solid none; border-width: 1pt 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Alarm goes off. Clock is on HIS
side of the bed. He sleeps through tornados. Climb over his shoulder to punch
the snooze button and jab him in the ribs to try and wake him up. This, of
course, doesn't work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6:45 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Alarm goes off again. Consider
kicking him in the balls to encourage a quicker response. Decide against it
as I value my life. Once again, jab him in the side and punch alarm clock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 2;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:00 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Alarm goes off again. Climb over
him, pick up clock and throw against the wall. For some reason, the sound of
a clock smashing into the wall wakes him up. I roll over and put the pillow
over my head. I'll get up in 20 minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 3;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:20 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He gives me a kiss goodbye,
reminding me of my intention to get up earlier. I grumble something to the
effect of "bite me – oh, and have a good day" and roll back over
and try to get back to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 4;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:45 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My son is awake.
"Mom…….MOM……… MOMMMM!!!!" I jerk upright in bed "Um, mom, are
you awake?" I place my finger to his lips: "No talking to mommy
before 8:00a.m. – go read your book." I toss myself over and pull
blankets over my head, determined to get a few more minutes of sleep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 5;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:46 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I hear the baby crying. Dammit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
pull my sorry ass out of bed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 6;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7:50 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[skipping the part about peeing
and brushing teeth]. I go to the baby's room and see that since I waited 5
minutes to get her, she has managed to unzip her pajamas, pull them off,
remove her diaper, and is sitting there smiling at me. *groan*<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 7;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:00 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The baby is now changed and
dressed. I stumble out to the kitchen to pour coffee. Spill half of it on the
counter. Pour in some milk. Go wake up my oldest daughter. My son is
following me "Mom, MOM, can I get on the computer?" I say "Did
you EAT yet? [hiss, snarl]" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 8;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:15 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oldest daughter is awake, and in
bathroom doing her hour-long morning ritual of beautifying herself for…….no
particular reason at all. My son is looking in all the cupboards and the
fridge declaring everything we have unfit for consumption. The baby has
removed her shirt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 9;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:30 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My son is grumbling over a bowl of
cereal, the baby is tossing her cereal across the table, apparently trying to
hit her brother with it (I have to admit, she's a good shot) My oldest
daughter is still primping. I holler at her to hurry it up and get some
breakfast. She has "nothing to wear". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 10;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">9:00 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mommy is on the back deck with the
sliding door firmly shut, sipping coffee for a moment. Son is on computer, oldest is finally eating
breakfast and the baby is eating crayons, er, I mean coloring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 11;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">9:15 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I venture back inside reluctantly.
Finally get dressed, put my hair up in a clip and – oh – I better make some
toast or something to eat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 12;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">9:45 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Everyone fed and out the door to
take the kids to the library for 2 hours of reading and summer time volunteering. YAY! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 13;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">10:15 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Back home. Older kids are at the
library. I think I'll get on the computer for a few minutes to check in my fellow
bloggers and online friends. Baby climbs on dining room chair and pulls full
glass of juice to the floor. @$%!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 14;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">10:30 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Floor and baby cleaned. Nick Jr. on television to occupy the child for a little while. Pour
second cup of coffee. Go to log onto computer. Phone rings. Mother in law
wants to know if she is going to see the kids again before they turn 18. I
assure her that is highly likely. We then proceed to talk about everything
that has happened in the last month.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 15;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:00 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Go to log onto computer. YAY! I
made it! I have messages and comments and no time to respond to them. Yep,
I'm a big jerk. Feel momentary guilt and then remember – uh – it's just the
damn computer. You'll get to it soon enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 16;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:30 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've responded to a few messages
and read a few blogs and started typing a blog of my own. I realize it's very
quiet all of a sudden. Where is the baby??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 17;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:31 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Find baby coloring a mural on the
living room wall. Take crayons from her and begin scrubbing wall with one of those
magic eraser things. Trying to keep the cursing under my breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 18;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:45 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Time to go pick up kids. Change
baby's diaper, grab purse and head out the door. Put baby in car seat, sit in
van and can't find the damn keys. Go in house, tear it apart, finally find
keys in bottom of laundry basket where my baby girl apparently put them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 19;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">12:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now I'm really going to pick up
the kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 20;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">12:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Everyone home, lunch is served.
"If you don't like it don't eat. [heading off my son's complaining] but
you don't get any snacks or anything else until dinner." I swear I heard
him curse under his breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 21;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">12:45 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids eating sandwiches and soup,
actually enjoying it but trying not to show it to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 22;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Moooooooooommm! We're
bored." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I reply: "The toilets need to be cleaned!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 23;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1:15 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids are shooting hoops outside in
an effort to escape the slave labor mom has promised <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 24;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oh yeah – I should eat something
for lunch<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 25;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1:45 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lay baby down for nap and cross
fingers that she will actually sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 26;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids are inside
"Mommmmmmmmm!! We're bored!" I let them come in from the fresh air for awhile and tell them they can watch a movie or
something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 27;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2:15 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've eaten an apple, a yogurt and
the other half of my daughter's sandwich. Time to get to work. I go sit in my
office and realize it really needs to be organized. I begin going through
paperwork. I see a bill that is due. Oh man, I'd better call them and pay
that right away…..[you can see where this is going]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 28;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4:15 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've accomplished about one hour's
worth of actual "work", and neatly arranged paperwork in stacks.
I've paid five bills and done two loads of laundry. Oh yeah, today is looking
up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 29;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4:20 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Baby wakes up – Diaper duty, snack
and juice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids go outside for awhile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 30;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dammit, what's for dinner? Is it against the law to skip a night? (Note to self: Research legalities of switching kids to every-other-night dinner schedule)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 31;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">5:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Cook up some chicken stir-fry and
eggrolls while peeling my baby girl off my leg and yelling out the window at
the kids to stop fighting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 32;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">5:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids come in to argue over who
gets to set the table and who gets to pour milk. I'm about ready to tell them
both to take their meals outside and drink from the hose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 33;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dad's home, dinner served. The
"How was your day" routine begins. He can tell by the look on my
face that they should skip me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 34;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dinner's done, I escape to have
"me" time. Which means either grocery shopping or going to the gym.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> Be still my beating heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 35;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mommy returns. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Baby goes to bed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids watch TV. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p>Dad napping on the couch.</o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 36;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:15 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've finished cleaning up the
kitchen and contemplated folding laundry. I decide it will wait until
tomorrow and I return to the computer, determined to write a blog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 37;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I realize I have total writer's
block.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 38;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8:45 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm IMing my writer friends and avoiding
the laundry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 39;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">10:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I really should go to bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 40;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:00 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm getting really tired. I should
stop reading blogs and go to bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 41;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Eyes drooping….Finally an idea for
a blog pops into my head. Unfortunately I can no longer keep my eyes open
long enough to type.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 42; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext; border-style: none solid solid; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 77.4pt;" valign="top" width="103"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Midnight<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
<td style="background-color: transparent; border-color: rgb(0, 0, 0) windowtext windowtext rgb(0, 0, 0); border-style: none solid solid none; border-width: 0px 1pt 1pt 0px; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 365.4pt;" valign="top" width="487"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm out<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz</span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-22119531891508881662012-06-10T17:58:00.001-07:002017-03-05T10:41:59.201-08:00What Men Really Want<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a data-ved="0CAgQjRwwAA" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=PxGFEPSf9D67oM&tbnid=EzsLBaLdcMLLIM:&ved=0CAgQjRwwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fkatrinabrox.com%2Fpost%2F41723541314%2Fwhatmenwant&ei=Q-keUdTUFrShyAHJ24DoBQ&psig=AFQjCNFx_tINDdnK0Tegn9edSb7lzA_ItQ&ust=1361066691417728" id="irc_mil" style="border: 0px currentColor; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img height="300" id="irc_mi" src="https://media.tumblr.com/36ba16d34845fae8ebdcfa3661e46c6f/tumblr_inline_mhcrs3SnV51r5bxts.jpg" style="margin-top: 167px;" width="300" /></a></div>
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I know it is unusual for a woman to sit back and think about what men want in a relationship because, well, we usually assume it includes sex, sex, sandwiches, football and sex. But, in observing my own relationships as well as those around me, I picked up on some very interesting tidbits. Here is what I think men want in a relationship (Men, feel free to correct me on these..):<br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want women to treat them with respect and appreciation</u></b>. I think most men need to hear more about what they are doing right than what they are doing wrong. Ego plays into this heavily. But women also need to realize that men <b><i>need</i></b> us to tell them how we feel and how much we appreciate them. So don't be afraid to let him know just how much you love the things about him. Throw your arms around him when get gets home at the end of the day. Make him feel like a million dollars. </span><span style="font-size: medium;">
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want more straight-forward relationship</u></b>. Men crave a relationship free of manipulation. I think men get frustrated with the games women play sometimes. They wish we knew they <b><i>cannot</i></b> read our minds. Frankly, I think men wish we came with a user manual. Although, admittedly, I think a lot of women wish men could read our minds. Actually, we usually wish we knew half the crap that is spinning up there ourselves. Our brains are too complex. Ouch, my head hurts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men like to be with self-confident and secure women</u></b>. I think that no matter what opinions we women have of ourselves, men crave being with a woman who is self-confident. I personally believe that a man would choose an average looking woman with terrific self-esteem over a knock-out beauty with numerous insecurities. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men like it when we nurture them</u></b>. I know this is politically incorrect, but men like it when we cater to them. And, personally, if I am in a relationship where there is mutual respect, I enjoy nurturing my man.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Blowjobs</u></b>. A lot of them. This is self-explanatory. I put it in the middle of the list on purpose – although I'm sure a lot of men would've put this one at or near the very top! Nothing says "I love you" quite like a good old-fashioned mouth hug, amirite? Forget the hallmark card girls – this one works every time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Sex with the lights on.</u></b> This goes back to the security and confidence issue ladies. No matter how curvy or thin we are, large breasted or flat, big ass or small ass, we all have insecurities. However, men are visual creatures. They want to drink us in. So we should drop our insecurities (along with our panties) and go for it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want us to get along with their friends and family</u></b>. Men want woman who can joke with his dad, talk to his mom, and hang out with his friends from time to time. A man wants a woman who can get along with all the people in his life. If you can meet him after work with a group of his friends and he knows they aren't going to moan and make whip-cracking noises when you arrive, you're in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want a woman who doesn't nag</u></b>. And trust me guys – women hate it when we realize we sound like we're nagging. This goes to the communication issue. Sometimes we women need to take a look at how we communicate with you guys – and sometimes you guys could stand to be a teensy weensy bit better at listening………..just sayin'. [Or was I nagging………..dammit!]</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want a woman with intelligence, creativity, and ambition</u></b>. Men want a woman they can discuss things with on deep meaningful levels. The deer in headlights look when discussing current events can be a turn off.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p><b><u>Men want a woman who challenges them</u></b>. By this I mean, men want a woman who will keep him on his toes. I think most men get relaxed in the relationship when they feel it is secure. Don't put the relationship in neutral. Keep it fun and interesting.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want a woman with a sense of humor</u></b>. If a woman can laugh at herself from time to time, the relationship is in good shape. Sometimes we tend to take ourselves too seriously. Loosen up ladies! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want a woman who is trustworthy</u></b>. Faithfulness and commitment are essential to any relationship. Men are less likely to be able to forgive infidelity than women, so they are seeking someone they can trust. </span></span></div>
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<b><u>Men want a woman who takes pride in her appearance</u></b>. This may sound shallow to some and relationships aren't solely based on looks, but men do want to be with someone who takes pride in her appearance. That being said, guys, please don't complain when we pay to have our hair done, our nails done, and to go get nice-fitting clothing. Deal?</span></div>
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<b style="font-size: large;"><u>Quickies</u></b><span style="font-size: medium;">. Men want quickies. Yes, women take longer to get warmed up than men do. But sometimes, men want the sex without the hour long foreplay. And with the right person this can be amazing, right ladies? So every now and then, let him dirty talk you and bend you over the kitchen sink.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>Men want women who will say "I love you</u></b>". A lot. Yes, they need to hear it too ladies. I think they are all a bunch of big softies on the inside. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">(Don't tell them I told you that.)</span></div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-60576816297255908532012-05-31T20:00:00.000-07:002017-03-05T09:26:22.186-08:0015 Things Every Man Should Do For the Woman He Loves<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I was reading an article in one of those stupid women's
magazines. You know the ones that we
read like obedient little masochists, once a month, while eating ice cream out
of the container with a shovel? Oh…I’m
the only one who does that? Um…….. anyway…<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The article was called "15 Things Every Man Should Do
for the Woman He Loves". I was
reading the thing and just snorting through it and starting to understand why
men are so misguided and confused. I
thought it would be fun to re-write the list here and add my own comments, so…………..here
goes:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">15 Things Every Man Should Do for the Woman He Loves<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">1. Slow down in bed</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Okay,
some men really do need to slow down in bed. If you resemble a frantic
coked-out jackrabbit once you see boobies, you need to chill. However, for the other guys, once you get
the warm up thing down, there's nothing wrong with a quickie now and then. You
know, a before-work tension release. The occasional nooner. Who wants super slow making- love-to-Barry-Manilow-records-sex
all the time?? (or any of the time, really. Barry Manilow? Where did that come from?) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Boring! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The kitchen table was
made for more than just dinner you know.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">2. Speed up on the toilet<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?? What you do in the bathroom is your business
and all I ask is that you not give me a full report when you're done.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Separate bathrooms
at all times would be great kthanxbai.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">3. Buy your tampons without feeling emasculated</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Um,
I don't like to buy the damn things myself so I certainly don't expect my man
to do it. (That being said, in an emergency, this would be a nice option.) Not
something to be expected though. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">4. Log your size into his memory, because what's more
depressing than trying on a wrong-size gift?</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Guys
- do yourselves a favor and just bypass the whole "clothing as a
gift" thing. If you buy something too large, she'll be insulted – “Oh my
gawd! He thinks I’m THAT FAT??” (resulting in no sex) and if you buy
something too small she'll be depressed “Oh my gawd! He wishes I were THIS SKINNY??” (again, resulting in so sex). However, if you
memorize her ring size and buy her something sparkly, you'll reap the rewards.
See? Everybody wins with jewelry!! </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">5. Get over his jealousy of any sex toy that doesn't require
his participation.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Sometimes
a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. That being said, if she's using her
toys solo, she shouldn’t get offended when you're giving yourself some love
from time to time. Personally, I'm all about the participation part. I've said it
before - it's a threesome you can both enjoy. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb7q-kfj1fUZmD_LR79Ok4vYbwi9WkY4WxnWKi3rjbFnds4t3uUkbM-Tc-WTRx-cRS74LUYFG4H_A5jBOHnyfZccH2qyacbFWCmu7XaNytbhF85wON48FWjBa5og-Z2qhvmMI8FI51ExI/s1600/dildo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb7q-kfj1fUZmD_LR79Ok4vYbwi9WkY4WxnWKi3rjbFnds4t3uUkbM-Tc-WTRx-cRS74LUYFG4H_A5jBOHnyfZccH2qyacbFWCmu7XaNytbhF85wON48FWjBa5og-Z2qhvmMI8FI51ExI/s320/dildo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><b> </b><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></span></div>
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6. Before he leaves on a trip, give you a sappy card that
says how much he'll miss you (Extra credit: makes it himself).<o:p></o:p></h3>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Danger!
Abort Mission! It is a TRAP! Men, this is a double-edged sword. Here’s the
situation: We will either have tears in
our eyes from the deep emotions the thoughtful card has inspired in us, or (more
likely) we will get really suspicious about the nature of your trip. Trust me.
It looks hinky as hell.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">As
far as making it yourself? If you want
to write her a poem that's terrific, but if you're cutting out construction
paper hearts and using glue sticks, I'd be concerned. Sorry, just my personal
thoughts on the subject. If the guy is more crafty than I am, I start to
wonder.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBmHdSn75QCSs9mfF8Cq0HFY6ySH_szQ17ZZod7ghDobPGZtPlBpmdOGcrSpz_8iRBOG2vyKoCc2GaX4OnvBGfQ-Klu-AT9Y0r9n2sBjAZIhV0l7HyofPfAMN91P9Dca2GuV1yEzYsEmM/s1600/crayon+drawing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBmHdSn75QCSs9mfF8Cq0HFY6ySH_szQ17ZZod7ghDobPGZtPlBpmdOGcrSpz_8iRBOG2vyKoCc2GaX4OnvBGfQ-Klu-AT9Y0r9n2sBjAZIhV0l7HyofPfAMN91P9Dca2GuV1yEzYsEmM/s320/crayon+drawing.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">7<b>.
Send you a massive bouquet of flowers at work (Ideally on a Monday, so you can
flaunt it all week.)</b></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yeah,
it's great to be the envy of all our girlfriends, but it's just as important if
not more so to show her romantic gestures every single day. A kiss here, a hug
there, her favorite (ahem) coffee, a bunch of flowers from the backyard. It's
all good.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">8. Cook you a meal that involves more ingredients than pasta
and pasta sauce.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Hey
- I'm not picky. If a man can cook, I'm in heaven. If my man can cook some mean
pasta, and maybe grill a steak from time to time, I'm in! If he can toss a frozen pizza in the oven,
have the kids fed and there is more time for me to relax, I am SO. THERE.
End of story.</span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">9. Afterward, clean up the dishes.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Will
you marry me??? Hello! A guy who does dishes?</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">MEN
- PAY ATTENTION - this is foreplay.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHLcdOEuKk4EZ6Tb_N36yEuqKvqHAyCT3swasdIpctJy9Usxw1kEYLDbT7CngWDOn-QC2iY7su46LLMYNH4t4VZuYza6cWLpxCghPq1pD0kbEPXqlGYGjw1FJ6h6ftJVRUDBzHUauLgAU/s1600/dishes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHLcdOEuKk4EZ6Tb_N36yEuqKvqHAyCT3swasdIpctJy9Usxw1kEYLDbT7CngWDOn-QC2iY7su46LLMYNH4t4VZuYza6cWLpxCghPq1pD0kbEPXqlGYGjw1FJ6h6ftJVRUDBzHUauLgAU/s320/dishes.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">10. Memorize this mantra: If I'm going to be late, call. If
I'm going to be late, call..............</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yeah,
you'd better call. Otherwise, no sex.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">11. Ask you as many questions as he answers.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yes,
we'd like to know you are interested in our day, our thoughts, our feelings.
Just once in awhile. Let's trade: You listen to me for, like, a half hour and then you
get the remote control for an hour. Deal? </span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2FrvNv_-HfJSrhMEteipeBRRx6znfkWupX6c-2XF_kNG8bEAgecVSDeJyUcNl6mnXEm_Q35NlFYCzY5ATK_abDUrKOwmZnc4jVzBIgOcqvfSOgLGdt5W8hckYlRCf_5NSFP1j_avR5E/s1600/talking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2FrvNv_-HfJSrhMEteipeBRRx6znfkWupX6c-2XF_kNG8bEAgecVSDeJyUcNl6mnXEm_Q35NlFYCzY5ATK_abDUrKOwmZnc4jVzBIgOcqvfSOgLGdt5W8hckYlRCf_5NSFP1j_avR5E/s320/talking.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">12. Look you directly in the eye during all greetings,
requests, declarations of love and sex.</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yeah,
except when doing it doggy-style. That one would be kinda tricky.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">13. Toss out the blue-and-red tartan flannel bedding he got
in college and replace it with something else (i.e. thread count over 200, no
poly blends)</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Show
me someone who's picky about thread count and I'll show you someone who needs
to get laid more often. Personally, as long as I'm not sliding off satin sheets
or looking at disgusting colors, it's all good.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">14. Stand outside in the rain with a radio or do whatever it
takes to make up after he's been a jerk.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yes.
Sometimes you have to act like a wuss to get chicks to take you back or forgive
you. We love that sappy stuff. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">15. Stop harping about threesomes and anal sex and be happy
with the sweet deal he already has.</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> If we are lucky enough to have a man who is wanting to explore - more power to us. It’s all about the
fun. </span><v:rect alt="Description: http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb38/wldchld_photos/threesome.jpg" filled="f" id="Rectangle_x0020_1" o:gfxdata="UEsDBBQABgAIAAAAIQC75UiUBQEAAB4CAAATAAAAW0NvbnRlbnRfVHlwZXNdLnhtbKSRvU7DMBSF
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p>Now, go get 'em!</o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">"Build
a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">~Terry Pratchett~</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4381997631221034387.post-6264786997020502442012-05-11T17:10:00.000-07:002017-03-05T10:44:39.573-08:00Am I a Metro-Sexual Girl?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I was in the midst of a somewhat serious conversation with a very close girlfriend when the topic of my emotional availability (or unavailability as the case may be) came up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to explain to her that, while I am a very caring person who appreciates my female friends, I’m just not “that” girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, the one who remembers every birthday, anniversary, and first shared shoe-gasm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm not going to spend hours reminiscing about t</span>he first time we drank wine <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>long into the night and discussed that touching movie we saw on the Hallmark Channel about the woman whose husband cheated on her right after her dog died and then she had a baby by his brother, but then the brother got some terminal disease so she felt obligated to stay with him even if he was a one-off to get her a love-child but he was gonna die so she was stuck in the relationship… or something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t watch the Hallmark Channel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would rather stick myself in the eyeball with a flaming pitchfork.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not that girl.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">But I am still a good friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t think I care you can suck it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">SHE said “Holy hell!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU’RE the GUY!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am NOT the guy in this friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not scratch my nuggets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even have nuggets to scratch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t burp or do any other bodily functions that most “normal” human type people do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t be gross.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I am a very girly girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I enjoy wearing make up, getting my nails done, my hair fixed up and dressing nicely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like being a princess (or diva, as the case may be).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really am, in a lot of ways, a girly girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So then she looked at me with sudden realization in her eyes:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You’re a metro-sexual GIRL!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">So, we got a good laugh out of the situation and I was forced to analyze myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I really the counter-part to the metro-sexual man?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s see:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a straight-ish female (hush, this is MY blog) who doesn’t watch Lifetime but enjoys shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always been a somewhat of a jock (er, "fitness enthusiast") but I like being coddled sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am independent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I make my own money, I enjoy being surrounded by intelligent, fun people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have little tolerance for emotional neediness in others .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My phrase of choice seems to be “Suck it up and deal with it, we all have problems.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I don’t mean it in a bad way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually think I am being helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will hug you while you have a good cry but probably not all night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will NOT sit and spoon feed you chocolate and listen to music that reminds you of your ex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will give you a punching bag and some gloves and provoke you to beat the hell out of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or tell jokes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not good with the deep stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">I love to shop for shoes and look at pretty boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gay men are my kryptonite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love them and they love me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are made for each other like peanut butter and jelly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s because they make such good shoe shopping companions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they WILL tell me if my butt looks too big in that outfit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in a fabulously bitchy and fun way that no straight man could ever pull off. But, I digress...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">I will unapologetically explore my sexuality, but I probably won’t call you in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will cuddle for awhile, but I have things to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lots and lots of things to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know the meaning of the word “relax”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love helping others but if other people try to help me it freaks me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am non-committal and frustrating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: small;">I am definitely not a typical girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am not sure I am a metro-sexual girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I’m just nuts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17098755517519394683noreply@blogger.com11