I was reading an article in one of those stupid women's
magazines. You know the ones that we
read like obedient little masochists, once a month, while eating ice cream out
of the container with a shovel? Oh…I’m
the only one who does that? Um…….. anyway…
The article was called "15 Things Every Man Should Do
for the Woman He Loves". I was
reading the thing and just snorting through it and starting to understand why
men are so misguided and confused. I
thought it would be fun to re-write the list here and add my own comments, so…………..here
goes:
15 Things Every Man Should Do for the Woman He Loves
1. Slow down in bed
Okay,
some men really do need to slow down in bed. If you resemble a frantic
coked-out jackrabbit once you see boobies, you need to chill. However, for the other guys, once you get
the warm up thing down, there's nothing wrong with a quickie now and then. You
know, a before-work tension release. The occasional nooner. Who wants super slow making- love-to-Barry-Manilow-records-sex
all the time?? (or any of the time, really. Barry Manilow? Where did that come from?)
Boring!
The kitchen table was
made for more than just dinner you know.
2. Speed up on the toilet
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?? What you do in the bathroom is your business
and all I ask is that you not give me a full report when you're done. Separate bathrooms
at all times would be great kthanxbai.
3. Buy your tampons without feeling emasculated
Um,
I don't like to buy the damn things myself so I certainly don't expect my man
to do it. (That being said, in an emergency, this would be a nice option.) Not
something to be expected though.
4. Log your size into his memory, because what's more
depressing than trying on a wrong-size gift?
Guys
- do yourselves a favor and just bypass the whole "clothing as a
gift" thing. If you buy something too large, she'll be insulted – “Oh my
gawd! He thinks I’m THAT FAT??” (resulting in no sex) and if you buy
something too small she'll be depressed “Oh my gawd! He wishes I were THIS SKINNY??” (again, resulting in so sex). However, if you
memorize her ring size and buy her something sparkly, you'll reap the rewards.
See? Everybody wins with jewelry!!
Sometimes
a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. That being said, if she's using her
toys solo, she shouldn’t get offended when you're giving yourself some love
from time to time. Personally, I'm all about the participation part. I've said it
before - it's a threesome you can both enjoy.
6. Before he leaves on a trip, give you a sappy card that
says how much he'll miss you (Extra credit: makes it himself).
Danger!
Abort Mission! It is a TRAP! Men, this is a double-edged sword. Here’s the
situation: We will either have tears in
our eyes from the deep emotions the thoughtful card has inspired in us, or (more
likely) we will get really suspicious about the nature of your trip. Trust me.
It looks hinky as hell.
As
far as making it yourself? If you want
to write her a poem that's terrific, but if you're cutting out construction
paper hearts and using glue sticks, I'd be concerned. Sorry, just my personal
thoughts on the subject. If the guy is more crafty than I am, I start to
wonder.
7.
Send you a massive bouquet of flowers at work (Ideally on a Monday, so you can
flaunt it all week.)
Yeah,
it's great to be the envy of all our girlfriends, but it's just as important if
not more so to show her romantic gestures every single day. A kiss here, a hug
there, her favorite (ahem) coffee, a bunch of flowers from the backyard. It's
all good.
8. Cook you a meal that involves more ingredients than pasta
and pasta sauce.
Hey
- I'm not picky. If a man can cook, I'm in heaven. If my man can cook some mean
pasta, and maybe grill a steak from time to time, I'm in! If he can toss a frozen pizza in the oven,
have the kids fed and there is more time for me to relax, I am SO. THERE.
End of story.
9. Afterward, clean up the dishes.
Will
you marry me??? Hello! A guy who does dishes?
MEN
- PAY ATTENTION - this is foreplay.
10. Memorize this mantra: If I'm going to be late, call. If
I'm going to be late, call..............
Yeah,
you'd better call. Otherwise, no sex.
11. Ask you as many questions as he answers.
Yes,
we'd like to know you are interested in our day, our thoughts, our feelings.
Just once in awhile. Let's trade: You listen to me for, like, a half hour and then you
get the remote control for an hour. Deal?
12. Look you directly in the eye during all greetings,
requests, declarations of love and sex.
Yeah,
except when doing it doggy-style. That one would be kinda tricky.
13. Toss out the blue-and-red tartan flannel bedding he got
in college and replace it with something else (i.e. thread count over 200, no
poly blends)
Show
me someone who's picky about thread count and I'll show you someone who needs
to get laid more often. Personally, as long as I'm not sliding off satin sheets
or looking at disgusting colors, it's all good.
14. Stand outside in the rain with a radio or do whatever it
takes to make up after he's been a jerk.
Yes.
Sometimes you have to act like a wuss to get chicks to take you back or forgive
you. We love that sappy stuff.
If we are lucky enough to have a man who is wanting to explore - more power to us. It’s all about the
fun.
"Build
a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm
for the rest of his life."
~Terry Pratchett~
