Thursday, May 31, 2012

15 Things Every Man Should Do For the Woman He Loves

I was reading an article in one of those stupid women's magazines.  You know the ones that we read like obedient little masochists, once a month, while eating ice cream out of the container with a shovel?  Oh…I’m the only one who does that?  Um…….. anyway…

The article was called "15 Things Every Man Should Do for the Woman He Loves".   I was reading the thing and just snorting through it and starting to understand why men are so misguided and confused.  I thought it would be fun to re-write the list here and add my own comments, so………… goes:

15 Things Every Man Should Do for the Woman He Loves

1. Slow down in bed

Okay, some men really do need to slow down in bed. If you resemble a frantic coked-out jackrabbit once you see boobies, you need to chill.  However, for the other guys, once you get the warm up thing down, there's nothing wrong with a quickie now and then. You know, a before-work tension release. The occasional nooner.  Who wants super slow making- love-to-Barry-Manilow-records-sex all the time??  (or any of the time, really.  Barry Manilow?  Where did that come from?)  
The kitchen table was made for more than just dinner you know.

2. Speed up on the toilet

Seriously?  SERIOUSLY??  What you do in the bathroom is your business and all I ask is that you not give me a full report when you're done.  Separate bathrooms at all times would be great kthanxbai.

3. Buy your tampons without feeling emasculated

Um, I don't like to buy the damn things myself so I certainly don't expect my man to do it. (That being said, in an emergency, this would be a nice option.)   Not something to be expected though. 

4. Log your size into his memory, because what's more depressing than trying on a wrong-size gift?

Guys - do yourselves a favor and just bypass the whole "clothing as a gift" thing. If you buy something too large, she'll be insulted – “Oh my gawd!  He thinks I’m THAT FAT??”  (resulting in no sex) and if you buy something too small she'll be depressed “Oh my gawd!  He wishes I were THIS SKINNY??”  (again, resulting in so sex). However, if you memorize her ring size and buy her something sparkly, you'll reap the rewards. See? Everybody wins with jewelry!!

 5. Get over his jealousy of any sex toy that doesn't require his participation.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. That being said, if she's using her toys solo, she shouldn’t get offended when you're giving yourself some love from time to time. Personally, I'm all about the participation part. I've said it before - it's a threesome you can both enjoy.

6. Before he leaves on a trip, give you a sappy card that says how much he'll miss you (Extra credit: makes it himself).

Danger! Abort Mission!  It is a TRAP!  Men, this is a double-edged sword. Here’s the situation:  We will either have tears in our eyes from the deep emotions the thoughtful card has inspired in us, or (more likely) we will get really suspicious about the nature of your trip.  Trust me.  It looks hinky as hell.
As far as making it yourself?  If you want to write her a poem that's terrific, but if you're cutting out construction paper hearts and using glue sticks, I'd be concerned. Sorry, just my personal thoughts on the subject. If the guy is more crafty than I am, I start to wonder.

7. Send you a massive bouquet of flowers at work (Ideally on a Monday, so you can flaunt it all week.)

Yeah, it's great to be the envy of all our girlfriends, but it's just as important if not more so to show her romantic gestures every single day. A kiss here, a hug there, her favorite (ahem) coffee, a bunch of flowers from the backyard. It's all good.

8. Cook you a meal that involves more ingredients than pasta and pasta sauce.

Hey - I'm not picky. If a man can cook, I'm in heaven. If my man can cook some mean pasta, and maybe grill a steak from time to time, I'm in!  If he can toss a frozen pizza in the oven, have the kids fed and there is more time for me to relax, I am SO.  THERE.  End of story.

9. Afterward, clean up the dishes.

Will you marry me??? Hello! A guy who does dishes?

MEN - PAY ATTENTION - this is foreplay.

10. Memorize this mantra: If I'm going to be late, call. If I'm going to be late, call..............

Yeah, you'd better call. Otherwise, no sex.

11. Ask you as many questions as he answers.

Yes, we'd like to know you are interested in our day, our thoughts, our feelings. Just once in awhile. Let's trade: You listen to me for, like, a half hour and then you get the remote control for an hour. Deal?  

12. Look you directly in the eye during all greetings, requests, declarations of love and sex.

Yeah, except when doing it doggy-style. That one would be kinda tricky.

13. Toss out the blue-and-red tartan flannel bedding he got in college and replace it with something else (i.e. thread count over 200, no poly blends)

Show me someone who's picky about thread count and I'll show you someone who needs to get laid more often. Personally, as long as I'm not sliding off satin sheets or looking at disgusting colors, it's all good.

14. Stand outside in the rain with a radio or do whatever it takes to make up after he's been a jerk.

Yes. Sometimes you have to act like a wuss to get chicks to take you back or forgive you. We love that sappy stuff. 

 15. Stop harping about threesomes and anal sex and be happy with the sweet deal he already has.

 If we are lucky enough to have a man who is wanting to explore - more power to us.    It’s all about the fun.   

Now, go get 'em!

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

~Terry Pratchett~

Friday, May 11, 2012

Am I a Metro-Sexual Girl?

I was in the midst of a somewhat serious conversation with a very close girlfriend when the topic of my emotional availability (or unavailability as the case may be) came up.  I was trying to explain to her that, while I am a very caring person who appreciates my female friends, I’m just not “that” girl.  You know, the one who remembers every birthday, anniversary, and first shared shoe-gasm.   I'm not going to spend hours reminiscing about the first time we drank wine  long into the night and discussed that touching movie we saw on the Hallmark Channel about the woman whose husband cheated on her right after her dog died and then she had a baby by his brother, but then the brother got some terminal disease so she felt obligated to stay with him even if he was a one-off to get her a love-child but he was gonna die so she was stuck in the relationship… or something.  I don’t watch the Hallmark Channel.  I would rather stick myself in the eyeball with a flaming pitchfork.  I am not that girl.

But I am still a good friend.   I care.   If you don’t think I care you can suck it.

SHE said “Holy hell!  YOU’RE the GUY!”  Really?  I am NOT the guy in this friendship.  I do not scratch my nuggets.  I don’t even have nuggets to scratch.   I don’t burp or do any other bodily functions that most “normal” human type people do.  Don’t be gross.   In fact, I am a very girly girl.  I enjoy wearing make up, getting my nails done, my hair fixed up and dressing nicely.  I like being a princess (or diva, as the case may be).   I really am, in a lot of ways, a girly girl.  So then she looked at me with sudden realization in her eyes:  “You’re a metro-sexual GIRL!!!”   What the…

So, we got a good laugh out of the situation and I was forced to analyze myself.  Am I really the counter-part to the metro-sexual man?  Let’s see:  I am a straight-ish female (hush, this is MY blog) who doesn’t watch Lifetime but enjoys shopping.  I have always been a somewhat of a jock (er, "fitness enthusiast") but I like being coddled sometimes.   I am independent.  I make my own money, I enjoy being surrounded by intelligent, fun people.  I have little tolerance for emotional neediness in others .  My phrase of choice seems to be “Suck it up and deal with it, we all have problems.”  But I don’t mean it in a bad way.  I actually think I am being helpful.   I will hug you while you have a good cry but probably not all night.  I will NOT sit and spoon feed you chocolate and listen to music that reminds you of your ex.   I will give you a punching bag and some gloves and provoke you to beat the hell out of it.  Or tell jokes.  I’m not good with the deep stuff.

I love to shop for shoes and look at pretty boys.  Gay men are my kryptonite.  I love them and they love me.  Every time.  We are made for each other like peanut butter and jelly.   I think it’s because they make such good shoe shopping companions.  And they WILL tell me if my butt looks too big in that outfit.  But in a fabulously bitchy and fun way that no straight man could ever pull off.  But, I digress...

I will unapologetically explore my sexuality, but I probably won’t call you in the morning.  I will cuddle for awhile, but I have things to do.  Lots and lots of things to do.   I don’t know the meaning of the word “relax”.  I love helping others but if other people try to help me it freaks me out.  I am non-committal and frustrating. 

I am definitely not a typical girl.  And I am not sure I am a metro-sexual girl.   Maybe I’m just nuts.