Thursday, February 28, 2013

Who the Hell Am I?

This is a blog I put together because I was tagged by a fellow blogger:  The Zookeeper's Wife (She is all kinds of awesome so please go give her a read!) and asked to do a lil informational bloggy type thing, so........strap in!  It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

1.  Where were you born?

I was born in Fremont, Michigan at Gerber Memorial Hospital.  My father quickly joined the military so my grandfather wouldn't shoot him and we moved around a lot after that.

2.  Were you named after someone?

I was born in the month of April, about nine months after my teenage parents engaged in back seat antics that I do not care to even think about.  I guess when the doctor said I was a girl, one of them said "Shit!  What month is it??"  So, here I am.  (Side note:  My father told me at one point he wanted to name me Heidi.  I have red hair.  I feel like I dodged a bullet there.)  My grandmother begged my mother to terminate the pregnancy but my mother decided that 16 was a perfect age to raise a child and said "Hell no" and then took off with my father.  [I personally think adopting me out would've been a viable option, but, that's just hindsight talking.]

3.  If you have children, how many do you have?

I have three kids and one who didn't make it home from the hospital when he was born (a long time ago).  This has always been a hard question for me to answer, but I promised I would be more "real" with my writing because real stuff happens sometimes so, there it is.  

4.  How many pets do you have?

We have two cats.  Sammy and Batman.  Sammy has been with us for over 8 years and was named after a Girl Scout cookie (my daughter was in Girl Scouts at the time so she named her gray tiger "Samoa" (also known as Caramel Delights..purrr)  We call her Sammy).  Batman is an asshole who pees on things if he is unsupervised.  I almost pepper sprayed Batman one night when he got stuck in my son's room, made a huge racket that sounded very robbery and killy and I jumped out of bed naked (um, I was alone, shut up) grabbed my pepper spray, kicked the bedroom door open and almost got him (and myself) in the face.  See? Asshole.

5.  What was your worst injury?

I'm just gonna go with a funny one here.  When I was about five years old, I wanted something that was on top of my dresser.  I decided it would be a swell idea to climb UP the dresser to get to said item and the dresser fell on me.  My father had to take me to the ER, bleeding everywhere, and he almost passed out because he can't handle the sight of blood.

6.  Do you have a special talent?

I can take my bra off while remaining otherwise fully clothed.  Shut up, that totally counts.

7.  What is your favorite thing to bake?

Lasagne and brownies. 

8.  What is your favorite fast food?

Does Qdoba count?  Totally Qdoba.  Or Chipotles.  Mexican.  (Taco Bell doesn't count.  Unless I'm drunk.  But seriously - what is IN that stuff?)

9.  Would you bungee jump?

Are you INSANE?  I'd be the one pooping my pants on the way down and I am SURE my daughter would get it on video.  So, we are gonna go with a big ole "Negative Ghost Rider" on that one.   I would love to go sky diving though.  Even though I am super afraid of heights.  Dammit.

10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?

This is gonna sound weird, but.. the way they make me feel.  I get a hinky sense about people and I can usually smell a bullshitter a mile away.  This skill has taken me almost 39 years to develop.  

11.  When was the last time you cried?

Please.  I never cry.  Unless I am out of coffee.  Alright, I cry about once every 28 days and it usually has something to do with my thighs. 

12.  Any current worries?

  • Are my thighs engaged in some sort of conspiracy against my pants?
  • Is my cat trying to kill me?
  • Where am I going to live in a few months? (I'm not homeless, just looking for a new place - chillax)
  • My daughter is going to be 18 next year.  Holy shit.
  • Is YouTube ever going to stop showing me "demo" videos when all I want is the fucking OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO?  And where is the "YES TO ALL" button that should be next to "Skip this Ad?"  It is ALWAYS "Yes" YouTube.  Always.  (This keeps me up at night.)

13.  Name three drinks you drink regularly.

Coffee, milk with coffee in it, and water.  If I am feeling boozy, it's a GOOD red wine or sangria.

14.  What is your favorite book?

I loved "Gone With the Wind".  Read it three times as a teenager.  It's over 500 pages long but I spent a lot of time locked in my room trying to avoid my family. :)  I love a wide variety of books so I could fill this entire blog with titles.

15.  Would you like to be a pirate?

No.  If I am a pirate, and Johnny Depp is a pirate (a'la Captain Jack) it kinda ruins the whole "damsel in distress" thing I had going on.  I think I would keep some Listerine breath strips handy for when he goes in for the kiss though.

16.  What are your favorite smells?

Coffee, jasmine, lavender, men's cologne, fresh baked bread, that newborn baby smell (I could sniff their heads all day long)

17.  Why do you blog?

I blog because as I go through my daily routine and see the most innocuous things, my brain turns them into stories and I get distracted unless and until I sit and write them down.  I have a lot of things I have written that I am sure nobody will ever see.   

18.  What song do you want played at your funeral?

Chumbawamba "Tub Thumping"  

Just because.

19.  What is the least favorite thing about yourself?

The fact that I am so neurotic.  I also wish I was less intelligent so stupid people didn't bother me. (Sheldon Cooper much?)  I know, I know...

20.  What is your favorite hobby?

Reading and writing.  And embarrassing my children.  (Yelling out the door "MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!" as the older two are getting on the bus in the morning. Ah, I love it.) I'm a simple girl.  I also don't have a lot of time for hobbies.

  What do you look for in a friend?

The ability to laugh at almost anything.  Someone chill who will complement my neurotic, yet charmingly awkward personality.

22.  Name something you've done that you never thought you'd do.

We went through a "TEAM BUILDING" ropes course when I worked at the University and my boss said that, at the end of it all, if I'd climb to the top of the telephone pole with a harness on, counting on my DUMB ASS co-workers to pull the ropes tight so I wouldn't SPLAT, then he would do it too.  I am deathly afraid of heights but I also was (and am) very competitive.  I couldn't turn down a dare and he knew it.  (Also, I was like, 22 years old and a total show off)

He and I were the only two who did it.  We took turns climbing to the top of the damn pole, stood on it (the tops of telephone poles are about six inches wide you guys and the thing was about 60 feet tall) and counted to three and jumped - counting on our co-workers to yank the ropes, tightening our harnesses and preventing us from plummeting to our certain deaths.   

That was the first time I ever said "HOLYMUTHAFUCKINSHITBALLS IFUCKINGHATEYOUGUYS!!!!!!" in front of my boss.  

Also something I never thought I'd do.  

Kind of a two-fer there.

23.  What are your favorite things to do?

Cuddling with my youngest child (gotta enjoy it while she still lets me), watching movies with my kids, traveling, seeing and doing new things, going on adventures, making people laugh, drinking mah coffeh!!

24.  Any pet peeves?

I can't stand listening to people chew with their mouths open, slurp food or chomp their gum.  Bad table manners disgust me.  

25.  What is the last thing that made you laugh?

The last thing that made me full-on belly laugh was when my friend and I went to Subway and I told her I wonder if the sandwich guy has self esteem issues because chicks spend all day asking for 12 inches on white and when he gets home he only has 6.  Her chokes of laughter made me choke and we both looked like a couple of idiots and that made us laugh more and I don't know how either of us made it out without peeing our pants.


I'm supposed to tag some other bloggers but I am a newbie (on this particular site) and don't want to annoy less tolerant writer-types so I am going to just come back later and give you a list of some of my favorites and ask you to go read them.

Updated:  Here are my personal Top Ten - The bloggers I read every day:


Insane in the Mom-Brain

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Bitches Gotta Eat

The Klonopin Chronicles

The Happy Hausfrau

What I Had Really Meant to Say

I Want a Dumpster Baby

Slice of Humble

Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

Go give them a read and tell them I sent you.

Go on - git.


  1. It's no fair making someone laugh and cry in the same blog post. Feeling a little schizophrenic over here...

    I can take my bra AND panties off without getting undressed. And I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. So there.

    GWTW? Four times not including the movie...Little Women? Like seven or eight (sigh, I spent a lot of time grounded to my room as a child.)

    You seriously rock, because you are a) funny and b) doing what I don't think I could ever do...

    1. Thank you for making me think and stuff. I don't often write any serious things and your prompt kinda caused me to be willing to share more.

      Also - show off. Panties too? Not fair.

      You rock the most.

  2. Loved reading these! New follower. Found you on Top Mommy Blogs.

  3. I'm going to ditto Zookeeper's wife..guffaws and tears. YES to the YouTube "skip ad" thing. And I loved GWTW. Wrote a book report on it in high school.

    Glad I found your blog :)


    1. Thanks, Jenny. Your blog is amazing and I'm tickled you're here, reading my shit. :)

  4. I haven't laughed this hard in awhile, I sure needed that. I too can take off my bra while remaining fully clothed. There's some talented bitches up in the blogger world.

    Going to get my Operation Caffeination on for the 3rd time today