Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The Next Best Thing: Tinder and Relationships

It occurs to me that, at a certain age, you are expected to get over your relationship hang ups, commitment phobias, and general post-Relationship-with-Satan trauma and settle down with someone again.

Like an adult.

Like, forever.

Or at the very least, vow to settle down with someone forever, while secretly keeping in mind that divorce is always an option if you can’t deal with their bullshit. Or if they can't deal with yours.

Honestly I think this is how most marriages happen.  It's supposed to be "I do" and it ends up being more like "meh - you'll do".  If you think I am being cynical, think about how many unhappily married people you know.

(This is how I felt about the subject for a very long time)

I look at couples who effortlessly dissolve into new relationships and marriages or combine families (step kids and all) and I envy them.   I also hold back the urge to warn them not to get too comfortable.   

But when you really think about it, it seems that the unlimited availability of new partners has given everyone unrealistic expectations about relationships.  I see more people around me now who absolutely refuse to define their relationships and I wonder why.  Is commitment to one person a thing of the past?

I recently engaged in  a "social experiment" during which I decided to create and use an online dating profile and go on some dates.

My first questions was, of course, "Where is a freshly minted Cougar to go for new dating adventures?"  Well, as luck would have it, I have a few friends who recommended a new dating app and let me tell you - I was super excited to try it.

If you have never been introduced to the cesspool dump of a human wasteland that is Tinder, allow me to acquaint you:

Within about 24 hours, I was starting to see a pattern of the types of guys who use Tinder.  I started to make mental notes but then quickly realized I would not have to continue to do so because these profile patterns just kept repeating themselves.  Allow me to introduce you to the types of guys you'll meet on Tinder, in no particular order:

1. "You Wanna See all The Animals I Kilt??" Guy:  This guy has a profile pic that is either a dead deer on a car hood, a pic of him holding a dead deer by the antlers, or a pic of him catching a fish.  He is always wearing a baseball cap (usually camouflage), sunglasses, and there is cheap beer in most of his photos. This guy will also be super into sports and if you connect with him, he will be the one who "likes to just chill at home" which is code for "I never got my license back after that last DUI".  He watches a lot of porn and thinks the "jackhammer" is the best sex move ever.  He is also the guy who thinks strippers want to date him.  Do not have sex with this guy unless you want to throw out your back and be unable to masturbate yourself to sleep for at least a week.

(Here ducky, ducky ducky!)

2. "Hipster" Guy:  This guy's profile picture is usually him staring off into space in what is supposed to look like really deep thought.  He has a full beard and wears skinny jeans.  He may be wearing a fedora. If you connect with him, he wants to go out to a hole in the wall place you've never heard of (but piques your interest as an adventurer).  He likes to drink craft beer and talk about his home brewing process while listening to a shitty band you've  never heard of, or live slam poetry.  If you are having really bad luck, he actually performs slam poetry.  He uses words like 'artisenal" and "free range" and doesn't believe you when you tell him they use pesticides on organic vegetables and then he gets all mad at YOU for telling him the truth like it's your fault he doesn't research the causes he is so passionate about before spouting off about them.


(Hey infinity scarf is gluten free)

3."Sportsy McSports" Guy:  This guy is wearing either his favorite team's jersey in every photo OR he may have a shirtless photo - in which he is wearing a team hat.  He really really wants to get laid, but his "dating" schedule revolves around whatever sporting events are happening that week.  Whatever you do, don't go to a sports bar with this guy unless you want to spend your evening watching him yell at the television while getting progressively more drunk as the night goes on.  Whether or not you have sex will depend on which team wins.  This guy has nothing to talk about other than sports and how big his dick is.  (SPOILER ALERT: His dick is not big). He likes getting blow jobs while watching sports but thinks going down on chicks is lame.  If you got to bed with him, he will get half-hard and yell at his dick for twenty minutes until you get legit scared and bail.

4. "Gym" Guy:  This guy's profile pic is shirtless.  Every photo looks like it has been photoshopped and you can't help but curse under your breath at the wonder his abdominal region beholds.  (You should pretty much just pop a Plan B before scrolling through the rest of his photos because he is sex on a stick).  This guy cares about the gym and heavy metal music and sex and - usually in that order.  Proceed with caution - especially if your vagina is not broken in.  Advanced users only!!  Good for awesome sex but not a conversationalist.  Get in, get out and keep his number for when you need another sesh.  Not boyfriend material.  You release him into the wild when you are done. Don't be a selfish whore.

5.  "Middle Aged Recently Divorced" Guy:  This guy is older (late-40s or older) and has no clue what he is doing on Tinder but he just finished paying child support on his 18 year old and used that money to buy a sports car.   He is hoping his mid-life-crisis car will lure in some hot "broads". He's been watching a lot of Entourage and is ready to roll hard.   His profile  states he is "not into game playing" which means he hooked up with a college student and she dumped him when she found a younger hotter guy who would pretend to listen to her talk about contouring and spray tans.  Middle aged guys are terrible at taking selfies so his photo is way too close and always a large full face shot, sometimes blurry and he never has any pics of his full body because he is self conscious about his pot belly. He is either not smiling (and looks like he was posing for a mug shot) or he is smiling too much (and looks like a sex offender at a kid's birthday party). He just got out of a long marriage so he is basically not used to taking care of himself and will be a little dependent.  If you like to take care of guys emotionally, this one is for you!  His house is a wreck because he is used to his wife picking up after him.  Caution: fixer-upper but he goes down.

(Fanny packs are still a thing, right?)

6. "I'm a Biker Who Digs My Bike" Guy:  This guy has a picture of his bike as his profile picture.  He may or not be on the bike  It doesn't matter. It's a biker thing - you wouldn't understand.  He is rough around the edges (that means, he looks like he hasn't bathed in about a week) he has tattoos on every area of exposed skin and his profile definitely references his graduation from the  "School of Hard Knocks".  He is looking for a "bitch" but is probably secretly submissive in bed and does things like sniff dirty socks while he masturbates.  He's got at least one photo where he is wearing a doo-rag and a leather vest.   He likes smoking cigarettes and talking about his bike.  He likes blowjobs and women who don't have an opinion.  He's probably decent in bed but smells bad.

7.  The "College Kid Looking for a Mommy" Guy:  This guy is attractive or hot, and has crazy good pick up lines.  He doesn't need any lube to slide into your DMs.  He wants to talk about dirty crazy sex stuff but has no idea what he is doing.  He has definitely jerked off to any of your photos that slow the slightest bit of cleavage.  He's all talk and no follow through.  Let him cut his teeth on girls his own age.  (Not ripe until at least age 23).

(Oh you kids..)

I was so exhausted after the process, which included screening dates, actually “dating” (whatever that happens to consist of on any given day – sometimes coffee, sometimes booze, drunk karaoke (dear GOD) dancing, and sometimes just sex), paying for a babysitter, trying to converse with someone who may or may not be (but most likely IS) telling me what I want to hear in order to see me naked, and trying to live with myself afterward.  It was starting to seem like it would be less emotionally costly to get over my commitment issues and be with someone who is not perfect but who may be perfect for me. 

So after this hit-or-miss experiment, I seemed to learn most of all that the hole in my heart couldn't be filled with new dick. At its best, it numbed me enough to deal with the emotional crises I was experiencing and let me feel good physically - with no emotional repercussions.  At worst, it put me in a few dangerous situations that could've ended up much worse.

I ended up deciding to toss aside the fuckboys and go with making an actual commitment to a real actual grown up relationship.

I mean, avoiding my feelings really isn't worth getting murdered on a date, is it?

No comments:

Post a Comment